Merry Christmas in Heaven

Merry Christmas in Heaven Mom. We love and miss you!!!

2 1/2 years...

It's been awhile I know. It's not that Mom hasn't been on my mind, she has, it's just that I have a lot going on right now and finding the words, the correct words, has been hard.

Today marks 2 1/2 years that Mom has been gone. Can you even imagine. 2 1/2 years. That shocks me. A lot has changed in my life since that day and a lot will be changing in months to come.

The holiday season is upon us and the house has been decorated for Christmas, Mom's favorite holiday. The tree has been trimmed this year with ornaments from our childhood. Mom's grandchildren helped decorate it and while it was a beautiful moment it was also a sad one. I wished so much that she could have been here to watch them as their faces lite up with excitement.

Tomorrow we will decorate Mom's grave, equipped with lights to shine up to heaven. She's needs to see it all the way up there in heaven, don't you think?

Happy Anniversary in Heaven Mom...We love and miss you so very, very much.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven...

We gathered as a family around the dinner table.

Turkey, stuffing, stuffed mushrooms galore.

Pies and cakes and laughter and joy.

The only thing missing was your sweet face to adore.

Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven Mom.

We love and miss you so very deeply.

29 Months

28 Months...

28 months have pasted and my heart still aches.

You know, when I was a kid, and my parents used to argue, I thought that they would never get divorced because, well, that can’t happen to me.

Well it did.

When my Mom lay unconscious on the bed I thought that she would just come right out of it.

But she didn’t.

I never imagined my life without her. I never thought for a second that she would be gone one day and that I would be left here alone, without her.

I’ve learned a lot in 28 months. Some things good. Some things bad.

I have really tried to do my best which we all know sometimes just isn’t enough.

I think that I have a tough job ahead of me. One that I would never wish on any one.

Sure I’m not the one that has to explain to their kids my Nana isn’t here anymore.

I‘m not the one that has to hear Mia say that she misses Nana and that Nana used to give her a bottle. I don’t have that. One day I will…I hope.

But I need to start living for me. For my husband.

My Mom was the great and powerful Oz (like the Wizard of Oz reference). She knew all and knew what needed to get done. Sometimes I was on her side. Sometimes I wasn’t. But you had to respect what she did. What she overcame.

I miss Mom terribly and today, 28 months later is no different than that day. Sure the constant pain has subsided. Sure the heart has mended. But there is a tear. A tear that will never heal. I can bandage it and cover it but it’s there and it’s part of me.

I can still cry at the drop of a hat. Can’t watch any television shows that have to do with anything medical. Cry when someone losses a loved one. Hate driving by the hospital where she died. Miss calling her during the day. Miss her.

So today, 28 months later life must go on. The dogs will get a bath. The basement will get cleaned out. The carpet man will come over to leave us samples. But even with all this going on there will always be one thing missing…Mom. So today at 2:51 p.m. I will stop and remember. Remember that great and powerful Oz. Remember Mom...

A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.

I cried...

I cried last night. I miss my Mom. My life isn't the same without her. My home isn't the same.

Mia and Gavin started Pre-School this week. They are both loving it. They are getting so BIG!

It saddens me that Mom doesn't get to see them grow and learn. It well, sucks, that they only know her from a picture.

But life goes on and we will always have our memories. We will make new ones but we will never forget the ones that are deep within our hearts.

27 Months...

27 Months and my heart still aches...

27 Months since I've seen your face.

27 Months that my heart was broken...

27 Months since you were taken.

27 Months with out your smile to light the day

27 Months since you've gone away...

Missing Mom...

Doing and planning by myself...missing Mom...

Leaving...

On a jet plane (only I'm not. We're driving). Don't know when I'll be back again (only I do, Wednesday).

Going to PA with John's family for a mini vacation. This is the first time since Mom passed that we have gone on vacation. We have gone away for a night or two but never this long.

Anxiety about going has settled into the pit of my stomach. Worry that something will happen to my house and pets while we are gone has settled into the foremost part of my brain, that it hurts.

I know (deep, deep, deep down) at all will be fine while I'm gone. But until I return there will always be the worry, the wonder.

Any who...wish we luck in the woods of PA...

I thought heard your voice today...

I answered the phone at work today and the woman on the other end sounded so much like Mom that I froze and for a minute.

I really was about to have a conversation like nothing had happened, like all of this hasn't happened.

I snapped back to reality and went about the call. But for that spilt second my world seemed to be back to the way it was. The phone rang, I answered, it was Mom, we talked and that was that.

But that wasn't that because that didn't happened. It couldn't happen.

:(

26 Months...

Today marks 26 months. There are days when I ask myself, why? I don't have the answer to that question and frankly neither does anyone else.

Missing you more and more each day.
~Christine

Flowers that we brought Mom on Saturday.

Puddin' & the Clock...

No it's not a new children's book (although it sounds like it very well could be).

Puddin' ~ Last night I made chocolate pudding. The My*T*Fine one. The one were you mix the powder and milk and stir for what seems like forever till you get a good boil going. As I was eating my still hot (the only way to eat) pudding I remembered Mom. I would make pudding and we would sit while eating it and watch General Hospital on SoapNet. I guess I was just remembering the times and missing her.

Clock~ I walked into little Bobby's (he's 23 now but will always be the little one) room the other day and saw that he had Mom's alarm clock. I suddenly got sad. Why? Who knows. I know it's just a clock but I guess I wasn't expecting it to be there. It should be on her night stand and she should be the one using it...but she's not. I thought and thought about asking if I could have it. Why? Who knows. I just wanted it. So I asked James if he minded if I traded clocks with Bob. He said it didn't matter to him. So I asked Bob and he was fine with it. Why did I need to have it? I really can't explain it but I do. So I dusted it off and set the clock and now it sits on my night stand. Makes me feel a little closer to her I guess. I really can't explain it but it makes me happy to see it there, on my night stand.

And there you have it .... Puddin' & the Clock ...

Be near...

Mom I need you near. Near to help me stay sane. Near to be my shoulder to cry on . Near to be my strength. Near to help me say the truth. Near to be here to talk to, to laugh with. Near to just be near.

Mom I need your strength. Your wisdom.

Mom be near...

On my mind...

Mom's really been on my mind these last couple of days. Gavin and Mia have each started their summer activities.

Gavin started summer camp, two days a week. This is his first time that he has gone to anything that Sandi has not stayed at. He did great! He is starting school in September so this is a great way to ease him into new and exciting things.

Mia started ballet class on Tuesday and she too loved it. She learned her beginning positions. She looked really cute in her ballet outfit.

The summer is going by so fast and the kids are getting so big.

I just really wish that Nana was here to see them grow and discover new and exciting things.

I wish that instead of telling me these things that their parents were telling Mom.

I wish that the phone was ringing for her. That I could see and hear the excitement as she heard what her babies are up to.

Mom I'm just missing you and wishing you were here...

25 Months and what I've learned...

25 months have passed and I've learned a lot over these two plus years.

I haven't had an easy time dealing with Mom's passing but I honestly feel that I am dealing well with it. John is my rock and I really give him a lot of credit. He's there for me with all of my ups and downs.

My heart does ache for James as he is lost and lonely. He misses Mom dearly. I pray that God will comfort his heart.

• I've learned that time doesn't heal your wounds it just lessens the pain.
• I've learned that I can't do everything for everyone.
• I've learned that I need to start doing things for myself.
• I've learned that I need to let others start doing for themselves
• I've learned that life can change in a matter of seconds.
• I've learned that I can't change others.
• I've learned that sometimes you just need to cry.
• I've learned that I have to let things go and not get so upset at things that I can't change (this one's a work in progress and it's not easy for me but I am trying).
• I've learned that my Mother needs to be given a hell of a lot more praise than she was ever given for making me the woman I am today.
• I've learned that I will always want to call my Mom and tell her something that has happen no matter how many years pass.
• I've learned that while it's hard for me not to worry about others so much that, that is exactly what I need to do.
• I've learned that doing what I want to do is important
• I've learned that Faith makes things possible not easier.
• I've learned that I will forever miss my Mom...

Happy 4th of July!

We spent the day at John's brothers house...Jason & Nancy put together such a nice time. There was tons of food, fun and laughter and of course fireworks.

When we were younger and it was just, Mom, Me, Michael and Bobby we were always together and the 4th of July was no different. I remember my Aunt coming over and we would get the chairs out of the garage and sit in the driveway watching the fireworks. I can remember Mike and Irene coming over and the crazy times we had. I remember the excitement as a kid as you waited for it to get dark outside. I remember taking short walks around the block to see what we could see. I remember coming in from a warm, humid night into the cool air conditioned house. I remember checking on the dogs to make sure they we not too scared. I remember getting out the citronella candle to keep the mosquitoes away. I remember going to bed that night and hearing the sounds of the fireworks.

Those members came flooding back as I sat on the steps of Jason and Nancy's house. For a moment I was transported back. Back to the time as a kid, spending a full filled day and evening. Oh how I wished Mom was here today watching the fireworks with me. I cried a silent cry as I sat on the steps wishing that Mom could have been here.

Happy 4th of July.. may you make memories that last a lifetime!

I needed that...

I had a GREAT time in PA this weekend. I think I needed the time away. Mom was, as always, on my mind as I watched her oldest and youngest grandson's go about their daily routines. I had so much fun playing with Gavin...from feeding the Ducks, to playing Sorry and Candyland to enjoying the Aquarium and Please Touch Museum. Mason is just the greatest little man. He is such a good baby.

Thanks Bob & Sandi for the time away...I needed that.

Opting out...

This Saturday, June 26 is our family's Father's Day Picnic. What? That passed already. I know that's what you are thinking, but here's the story.

John and I started this years back. Oh, 6+ years I would say and yes it was started on Father's Day as a way for everyone to get together and have fun. We eventually moved it to the Saturday before (to much to do on a Sunday with work the next day). Two years ago it was moved to June 9. The day just seemed to work and only God knew how important that day would become. The weather wasn't that great...kind of overcast but everyone was there. We had family come from out of state...Bob, Sandi and Gavin from Pennsylvania and John's Aunt and Uncle from New Jersey. It was a great day and one that I will always remember. There was fun, food and soft ball games. Mom wasn't feeling that great but we all thought it would be a great idea for her to come and get out a little. She did great. Played with the kids and got to see everyone for what would be the...last time. Who knew what would transpire just hours later the next day. Who knew that our world would come crashing down.

The picnic did not take place last year but this year it's back on, late but back on. But here's the problem. I just can't bring myself to go. Silly, yes but nevertheless painful. The last time we were there, we were there with Mom. Here one day and gone the next. I am opting out of the picnic and taking myself to PA for the day. It's not that I don't want to go and be a part of the fun it's just that I can't. I just can't do it without breaking down. Some may think I am silly for feeling this way but it's the way I feel. I can't go and have fun there. Maybe in time. Maybe next year.

But this year I am opting out...

Happy Birthday Michael & Mia

Want a Sticker? Staring Mia Skye

Coming soon... Habba Gabba DaddyMia

Round up of the last couple of days...

So where have I been. I've been here. Taking a back seat and letting others post there feelings, thoughts, memories. Wednesday was Mom's two year Heavenly Anniversary. John and I spent some nice quite time at the cemetery. That evening we all (all meaning all that were here in New York. Bob, Sandi, Gavin & Mason were home in Pennsylvania) went out for dinner to Ciao Baby! One of Mom's favorite restaurants. We had a nice dinner. It started out with tears when the waiter asked us what we were celebrating...umm, silence and then John explained. Michael gave a toast to Mom and we all had a nice time.

I spent the rest of the week getting the house together for the Memorial party. We had a great turn out and Mom was there in spirit. Stories were told, tears were cried but we did it together. Mom has touched so many lives that I know that her spirit lives on. She lives on in every one of us. She is watching us from afar but I am confident that one day we will all be together again, rejoicing together. But until then I will continue to shed my tears wishing and hoping that I could have just one more day with her. To see her face, hear her laughter, smell her perfume and just be together.

The post before this was written by some family members at the Memorial BBQ. I had the computer set up for those who wanted to leave a memory. It's hard to do...just me I know. A few started and could not go on. It's okay. I understand. The ones that left a memory...thank you, it's such an honor to have.

Mom...know that I miss you so much that it hurts. I hope that I am doing you proud in everything I do.

Happy Heavenly Anniversary!

Share a Story...Leave a Memory...

Please share a story about Mom or simply leave a message about her... Thanks for sharing.

Judy will always have a special place in mine and my wife's heart because of the LOVE that she radiated. I =We always loved coming to visit because she made us feel that we were right at home. Always a smile on her face even when she wasn't feeling well. We love and thank GOD that we had the opportunity to have known such a WONDERFUL PERSON. We know that we will all be together one day for eternity until then we LOVE YOU JUDY.

~POPPA JOE & PALMA

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Judy was like my grandma. No not like, she was my grandmother. She always made me feel loved when I would visit my Aunt and Uncle. Every time I would come over either during a school vacation or a weekend I would always be with Judy. I used to always go to work with Judy and i would have so much fun with her cause she was one of the most funniest and wonderfulest person I knew. I think one of the funniest memory I had with Judy is when I had a loose tooth and Judy and Aunt Christine would chase me all around the house until that tooth was out. I remember one time they would threaten me saying they would get a wrench and pull it out if they had to. Every weekend I used come over my uncle and aunts and I feel bad because I haven't done that in a while, since Judy passed; and i don't quite know why i don't, i think its because I'm used to Judy being around and it feels weird without her, but really she never left us. Maybe physically, but if we keep her alive in our souls and hearts she never really left. I miss you Judy, and I still love you and always will. You will always be in my heart.

Love you, Taylor
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Judy was a great person. She always made me feel welcomed at her home. She always had a smile on her face and always brought joy and laughter where ever she went. She will be missed greatly.

~CUZ JAY
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I WILL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME I EVER MEET JUDY. JOHN WAS DATING CHRISTINE FOR A FEW MONTHS AND HE BROUGHT ME ALONG WITH HIM. WHEN WE PULLED UP JOHN CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA. HE HAD A FLYER FOR A GYM IN HIS CAR AND TOLD ME TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND TRY TO SELL HER A MEMBERSHIP. I WAS LIKE 11 YEARS OLD AND IT WAS LATE. JUDY WAS TRYING TO BE NICE ABOUT IT, BUT WAS WONDERING WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING... SHE TOLD ME NO IN A NICE WAY AND SENT ME AWAY. WELL A FEW MINUTES LATER JOHNNY WENT INSIDE AND TOLD HER HE FOUND ME PEAKING AROUND THE HOUSE.. SHE WAS LIKE WTF... IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY... ALSO WHEN WE WENT TO LAKE GEORGE AND ON EVERY ROLLER COASTER WE WENT ON ALL OF US KEPT YELLING JUDY, THERE WAS LIKE 15 OF US.. ALL SHE KEPT DOING WAS LAUGHING.. THAT'S SOMETHING THAT I WILL ALWAYS MISS...HER LAUGH, AND TALKING ABOUT OUR FAVORITE TV SHOWS WHEN EVER WE SAW EACH OTHER.... RIP JUDY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE LOVED.

~AMANDA ROJAS

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I HAVE SO MANY MEMORIES OF MY MOM! THRU GOOD TIMES AND BAD SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME. THERE IS ONE TIME OF YEAR THAT I CAN NEVER FORGET AND THAT'S CHRISTMAS TIME. CHRISTINE, MOM AND I WOULD MAKE STRUFALAS EVERY YEAR AND EVERY YEAR MOM WOULD GET MAD AT US BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO MAKE LIKE 3 LBS. OF THEM. AS CHRISTINE WAS FRYING, I WAS CUTTING AND MOM WAS ROLLING AND CUTTING. AS MOM WAS LOOKING AROUND TO FIND ANOTHER INGREDIENT CHRISTINE AND I WOULD STEAL DOUGH AND HIDE IT SO THAT WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE UP ALL NIGHT MAKING THEM!!! I THINK MOM ALWAYS KNEW THAT WE WERE GONNA DO THAT SO SHE WOULD MAKE A LOT MORE THAN SHE NEEDED BECAUSE OF US.

THERE ISN'T A DAY THAT GOES BY THAT I DON'T THINK TO CALL MOM AND ASK HER A QUESTION ABOUT THE BABY OR JUST TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER. THE DAY SHE DIED SHE TOOK A PART OF ME AND I DON'T KNOW IF I WILL EVER FIND THAT AGAIN! WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT I WILL SEE HER AGAIN!

MOM I HOPE THAT YOU KNOW WHAT U MEAN TO US AND THAT WE ARE ALL LOST WITHOUT YOU. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS.

~TERESA

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Hi Christine and John.

This is Helene. Michelle's mom.. I just want to thank you both for including me in your moms memorial picnic.

Your mom was a very special lady who the few times I met her. I felt totally at ease and comfortable with and that's a lot for me.. cause I"m not too comfortable meeting new people.. But your mom.. was a wonderful woman and I felt very blessed to have known - if only for such a short time.

Please don't think for one moment. I wasn't thinking of your mom. while I was at your house. I was. and she has always been in my thoughts and prayers as are both you and John.. and I keep praying that your little 'one' will be coming to you SOON..!!!!

Your house. OMG.. It's truly a HOME. Its a work of art.. you have great taste and have really put together a place of total comfort and elegance.. Your house, reflects you both.. You have a lot to be proud of..

John, I met your mom and instantly felt like I know her.. She's a super lady .. It was great meeting her.

You are both very special people.. What you did for Jer.. was 'way beyond the call of duty' and he and Michelle both appreciate it. more than words can say.

As I said. you BOTH are wonderful - compliment one another and you can see the love between .. I hope you and John always from now.. have only happiness and health in your lives.

Thank you again.. for making me feel 'welcome'..

Losing my own mom.. just 4 months ago.. as you know. is very hard and tomorrow.. I close on her house.. so that's going to be hard... But we go on.. as we are supposed and we 'as I say.. "Fake it till we make it. My own way of dealing with things.. Put on that smile/or try to.. and just keep on doing it.. until it 'becomes more natural.. Hard. losing someone we love is devastating.. But like I said. We go on.,

Hey, on a happier note.. I want to tell you again. Christine. You looked wonderful. LOVE your hair..

Take care.
Love Helene

Two years of missing you :-(

Steven posted this lyric from the musical artist Nas. The song is called Dance.

"Thinking of how amazing she was.

A angel gave me love

I'm thankful, to ever know a women so real

I pray when I marry my wife'll have one of your skillz

But mom you could never be replaced

I'd give my life up Just to see you one more day

To have One more dance with you mama."

R.I.P mom ... 2 years feels like yesterday:'(

~~~~
I think this says it all.

John

Hard week...

This is going to be a hard week. I am not sure what to write. I don't think that I will have some ingenious, well thought out, post. You may have signed on to see what will/has she written. I really don't know. I am very emotional and the thought of Wednesday brings tears to my eyes. How is Wednesday suppose to be like any other normal day? It's not for me, and I think the fact that the rest of the world will just be worried about getting over hump day makes me feel worse. Thinking about the day hurts and hurts bad. So what will I write as the week goes on...who knows. All I know is that I miss my Mom and that feeling just sucks!

Memory Marker...

You will never be forgotten

For though we are apart

You are always and forever

Alive within my heart.

A week from day...

two years ago, my life was changed forever. It's so sad to think about that tears immediately fill my eyes.

If I only knew what was coming. If I knew that the next seven days would be my last with Mom, what would I have done? What would we have done? Did we fight? Did we disagree? Did I drive her crazy? Was she as happy as she could have been? Did I tell her that I would do something next week not knowing there wasn't one to be had? Did I tell her that I loved her? Did she know?

I know that life doesn't work that way and I guess in a way I am glad for that. Knowing what's going to happen is sometimes worse than something happening. How would we have prepared for this had we known? There isn't a right or wrong answer here.

Life isn't easy and Life certainly isn't fair...

June is here...

and with that comes much sadness.

Nana's newest babe...

Mason Alexander

Happy Memorial Day 2009

Memorial Day... Calverton National Cemetary.

I'm...

sitting at my desk at work, not working.

releazing that the anniversary is fastly approaching.

sad, really sad.

wanting to cry but I can't.

wanting to be alone, but I won't.

missing my Mom...

Mom's hand in all of this...

As you know Mason had an infection/fluid in this lungs. He was put on oxygen, had a tube down his throat, was hooked up to an EKG machine and had an IV in his hand to administer his antibiotic. Bob & Sandi were told that he would be in NICU for at least 7 days.

That's right it does say "had an infection". That's because yesterday morning he was unhooked from everything and given the green light to GO HOME!

Mason has made a FULL recovery and is right where he belongs...at home with his family. What happened to the 7 days of being in the hospital? What happened to Sandi being discharged without her newest bundle of joy? What happened to not knowing how in the world they would be able to leave their baby alone in the hospital? What happened...

Well I am sure that Mom put her two cents (probably more like twenty-two cents) in. Said enough is enough and just like that Mason was healed. Steven said it right... "Mom had a big hand in this".

I really believe that Mom is watching over her newest grandson and even though she is not here on this heavenly earth she is watching over him from above. She is always with us and for that I am truly grateful.

Mom...I miss you more and more everyday but knowing that you are watching us from up above comforts me as much as it can.

Christine

Memorial Party...

Please join us for a Memorial Party
in Honor of Our Mother,
Judith Rose Heredia

June 13, 2009
3:00 p.m.
~Our House~

Please contact me for directions...

It's a Boy!!!

Mason Alexander

6:33 a.m.

8 pounds 2 ounces

19 1/2 long

Mommy, Daddy and big brother Gavin all doing well!

Mason is doing well but is currently being monitored in the NICU since he's having a little breathing problem. He seems to have some fluid in his lungs that hasn't made it out of his system yet. Cool thing is he gets his very own mask that sort of makes him look like Darth Vader.

Update:

Mason is doing very well today…so well, that he lost his “Darth Vader” mask and is breathing on his own. His feeding tube was also removed and he is eating like a champ. He most likely has a small infection but is being given meds thru his IV. He will be in the hospital for at least 7 days. Bob & Sandi were able to hold him today and he is full of smiles.

Happy Mother's Day & 23 Months...

So today is Mother's Day and it also marks 23 months since Mom's passing. How did I do today? Not so good. I really was a mess for a good part of the day. I was crying on and off for most of the day. Mother's day for me just will never be the same.

John and I planned on visiting the cemetery as did Mike, Lisa and Mia. All weekend Mia was very vocal about Nana. She was walking around the house asking for Nana. She wanted to see her picture. Then after her bath they told her that they were going to see Nana. Well, she was so excited and kept saying, "See my Nana". It was enough to break your heart (and it did). It's just not fair and yeah I know life isn't fair, but it isn't. Mom would have given anything to see her grand kids walking and talking. Why were they robbed of this? Why were we?

So the day was sad and probably always will be. I think Steven summed it up on his Facebook account - "happy mothers day mom i love and miss u its not the same without u"

Happy Mother's Day Mom...

Out of the mouths of Babes...

Teresa called the other day to tell me something that Matthew did.

She has a photo of Mom as a baby on her kitchen table and the picture of Mom at her last birthday dinner (the one at the top of this page) on her refrigerator. She told Matthew that the baby in the picture was baby Nana.

Matthew turned and looked at the fridge and back at the table photo and blurted out...Baby Nana...Big Nana.

How do kids do that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I often wear my Mom's flip flops (these slip on, bright red, big chunky, Nana looking, flips) to go out in the backyard. The other day I slipped them on but since it's been raining like everyday I left them on the deck to dry. Well Mia saw them sitting right outside the door and said "Nana's shoes". Now how in the world would she know that??

It's truly amazing what kids pick up on; what they remember. Neither Mia or Matthew could possibly remember Mom (oh that hurts so much to write). They see photos (tons of photos) and their parents must talk about her often (props to them). But do they remember? They can't possibly.

Gavin, being the oldest of the three (who is three) might have a shot at remembering Mom. But I think that too is a stretch. Yet at her wake Mom was so there with him. I mean of course she was there but her spirit was actually there. The wake was 1 1/2 days. We were back and forth there for probably 2 1/2 full days. Every time that Gavin was there he would go to this one spot, amongst the flowers and throw his ball. He was so insistent on being in this one spot. What or who else could it be, but Mom??

Every day I wish she was here, on this earth, to see how her grand kids are growing up. Sometimes I feel bad that I am here experiencing what she would have given anything to see and feel. There's a new baby on the way soon and it brings tears to my eyes that Mom will never get to met your newest grandson.

Mom...watch over these little ones. Be their guardian angel. Give them your wisdom and knowledge. Guide them as they grow and learn and always remember we will do our best to keep your memory in their hearts.

I miss...

I miss my Mom.

I miss her laughter.

I miss her smile.

I miss her frown.

I miss her mac & cheese, her chicken cutlets, her sauce.

I miss our trips to the Diner. To Target.

I miss her silly faces.

I miss her...

On Monday I had to have my tooth pulled which brought me to Mom's place of work. I was welcomed with open arms and treated like family. It was hard to be there, when she wasn't. It was hard seeing someone else at her desk.

It was nice to see welcoming faces. Hear that they miss her too. Hear that those that didn't know her wish that they did.

But still after all of the smiles and nice words it still all comes down to the fact that I still miss my Mom and want her back

Weepy & Sad but looking forward to a nice weekend...

So, I haven't written in like two weeks but I will say that i have been very emotional. Sometimes crying over nothing. I started writing the paragraph below last week but i never posted it.

I haven’t written in over a week but boy have I been weepy. John and I visited the cemetery on Saturday and it was like the faucet was left running. I was very emotional. I don’t know what it is. I think it’s the nice weather, watching the kids play, waiting for the birth of our nephew and realizing that Mom is not here to witness this. A child’s laughter brings an instant smile to my face; to anyone’s face. I want my Mom to see the smiles, hear the laughter that I see and hear.

John and I are going to Pennsylvania for the day tomorrow to visit Bob, Sandi and Gavin. I think it will be nice to get away for the day.

Enjoy the summer weather for the weekend.

Christine

22 Months & Easter

Today marks 22 months since that day. How could time have past by so quickly? Today was filled with fun and joy for me and others. But who knew 22 months ago that life would go on, could go on.

I spent the day with Mia. We planted flowers together. Flowers bring beauty, flowers bring smiles. Flowers show how life blooms right in front of your eyes even if your eyes fail to see. 22 months ago I could not even have imagined planting flowers on such a day. How could laughter and joy be filled within us on a day that brought us so much pain? But life has a way of continuing even if we feel that it should have stopped, even if we feel that we can't go forward. For the grief inside us is so bad that we just can't see going on.

For me the 10th of every single month reminds me of that day. Every time we turn the calender and face a new month I am reminded what happen on the 10th. I will always remember. I will never, ever forget.

Sandi called today. She took Gavin on an Easter egg hunt and as they got to the area Sandi said it was covered with pine cones. Gavin yelled "Nana". How cool is that? Nana was there with Gavin watching him as he found the eggs.

My Mom is with each and every one of us. Sometimes you need to sit and think but other times she's right there. It could be as simple as saying a word, hearing a song or yes, even seeing a pine cone. Mom will of course be missed this Easter. The second one since she has passed. Easter was the last holiday that we celebrated together as a family.

Happy Easter Mom. Missing you more and more each passing day.

With much love,

Christine

Easter Lillies...

This past Saturday John and I brought Mom some Easter Lillies and a Palm Cross for Easter.

They look beautiful . I miss my Mom so much that it hurts.

God gives and God takes away. I know this was always His plan. He always knew this was how it was meant to be. God gives and God takes away....

~~~~

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side,
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

(From the Casting Crowns song, "Praise You in this Storm)

The little blue box that got to me...

Yesterday afternoon I stopped by our local Italian deli to pick up something for dinner. At the register there was a bucket of these ....

Mom loved these little candies. They come in little blue boxes. Soft almond honey nougat candy- vanilla, orange & lemon.

I just couldn't check out with out buying a little blue box. I don't eat it so really I just bought it for Mom.

I hope you dance...

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat But always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances

But they're worth taking

Lovin' might be a mistake But it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter

When you come close to selling out Reconsider

Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance!

Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance lyrics

The happiest name...

I received an email from my sister-in-law, Lisa. She heard on the radio today that the number one girl name for the happiest females is................... Judy. So people with the name Judy seem to be the happiest, according to this study.

Of course we already know that.

Funniest part...The saddest or most depressed people have the name................... Take a guess, and this is what they said................ did you guess???????????? It is..........
.

.
.
.
Lynne! No joke.

Sad...

There was a program on last night either on Entertainment Tonight or something like that. There was a woman who was very over weight. I think she was around 900 lbs. Anyway she had two young daughters. I guess the show had been following her story and she was going in for gastric bypass. They didn't know if she would make it or not. A couple of days after the surgery she suffered a massive heart attack and died. Well that's all that I needed to hear. I lost it. I felt so bad for those little girls who will not have their Mom in theirs lives. Sad, just a sad story.

I don't know if Mom's heart failure was from the surgery or not. I can speculate that it was but will never know for sure.

I wish that she didn't have it. I truly, truly do. If only we listened more. Read more about it.

I could go on forever with the If's but I just miss her so very, very much.

Christine

21 Months...

21 months ago, today, I lost my Mom.

21 years ago, next week, I lost my Grandma.

It never gets easier. I could cry as hard today as I did 21 months ago; as I did 21 years ago.

You learn to live with the pain. The heartache. We learn to go on.

There will always be a hole in my heart for my Mom and my Grandmother. We learn to bandage the hurt and go on. It's what's instilled in us and even when we cannot imagine moving on, we do; because each day comes and goes, and here we still are, going through the motions and getting through each of those days.

~~~~

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

The rain fall soft upon your fields,

And, until we meet again,

May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

Alone time...

This past Saturday I decided that I wanted to go and visit with Mom. John was still away on business so I grabbed a bagel and some O.J. and hopped in the car. The drive isn't bad and I had no problems getting there. I stopped along the way at the florist that has become our favorite one. I picked up a dozen red, purple and white roses. They were beautiful and roses are Mom's favorite.

I got to the cemetery, stopped on the way to Mom's section and picked up a cone to put the flowers in. I continued to Section 32 and parked. Well that's when it hit me. I have been here many times before but never alone. John has always been with me. I was frozen. Unable to open the car door and get out. I started crying, you know those big crocodile tears. I called John and he assured me that while it was hard to go alone that I would be able to do it. So, I grabbed my coat, picked up the flowers and cone and headed down to 2073.

The visit with Mom was nice. I had my own, private time. The flowers that we left for her on her birthday were still there, all dried and withered. I replaced them with the beautiful roses and a red heart that I also picked up at the florist.

I spent a little while or so there talking and asking why. I said my goodbyes and left my heart behind. The very little red heart that I picked up at the florist.

My heart will forever be with my Mom. It aches for her and I miss her every single day.

~Christine

It's just not fair...

It's not fair that ... driving past a Cemetary makes Mia say Nana...

Michael and Lisa were on vacation and while driving in the car they past a cemetary. Mia said "Nana". Well needless to say they broke out in tears.

Sometimes I get so mad that the grandkids are losing out on knowing their Nana. She would have done anything for them. I know that things happen for a reason. But the reason is blurred to me. Maybe our pain is still so fresh that we can't see past the grief. Maybe we will never know the reason here on earth.

It's just not fair...

If God brings you to it,

He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God,

Difficult moments, seek God.

Quiet moments, worship God.

Painful moments, trust God.

Every moment, thank God.

Happy 3rd Birthday Gavin...

Happy 3rd Birthday Gavin.

You are just the smartest, funniest, most energetic, video game playing, toilet training, sentence speaking, tofu eating, puzzle solving, maze doing, math solving, astonishingly independent, soon to be big brother, three year old that we know.

Your Nana would be so proud of you. She is watching you from Heaven and smiling with joy.

Happy Birthday little man. We all love you so very much!

~Life isn't about how to survive the storm,

but how to dance in the rain.~

20 Months...

As I typed the header I really can't believe it. How could 20 months have passed? How has life gone on? At times the feeling of missing her just takes over and I loose it.

Today at work a supervisor got really sick and required an ambulance. This was hard for me to see. It brought back bad memories...

One week before Mom passed we were having the back splash in our kitchen put up. We were unable to use the kitchen, for obvious reasons. John and I were off from work so we called up the stairs to Mom to see if she wanted to go to the Diner to get some breakfast. She hadn't been out much since her surgery so we figured a quick trip there and back. As we were eating Mom stared to feel really sick and started to sweat. Next thing we knew she was on the floor, passed out. An ambulance was called and by the time the paramedics got there she had regained consciousness. They wheeled in the stretcher and wheeled her out and off to the hospital.

So a week later, when the same think happened at home I thought that she would come to. I kept saying "Come on Mom", "Mom". But she never woke up. She never came back to me.

It's hard typing this, and at times I stop what I'm writing and come back to it. Some may ask why does she do this to herself? Why does she re-live the past. Well, it's part of me.

Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.
-Emory Austin

Missing you more and more, everyday....Christine

Where's your red...

Friday, February 6, 2009—millions will help spread the critical message that "Heart Disease Doesn't Care What You Wear–It's the #1 Killer of Women."

Celebrate National Wear Red Day–the first Friday in February–when Americans nationwide wear red to show their support for women's heart disease awareness.

What is Heart Disease? Coronary heart disease - often simply called heart disease - is the main form of heart disease. It is a disorder of the blood vessels of the heart that can lead to heart attack. A heart attack happens when an artery becomes blocked, preventing oxygen and nutrients from getting to the heart. Heart disease is one of several cardiovascular diseases, which are diseases of the heart and blood vessel system. Other cardiovascular diseases include stroke, high blood pressure, angina (chest pain), and rheumatic heart disease.

The Red Dress Pin, the national symbol for women and heart disease awareness.

Mom died from Cardiac Arrest....So where's your red...

Happy 2nd Birthday Matthew...

Where's the Compassion...

I got home from work yesterday, bags in hand filled with the nights creation for dinner. Open the mail box, juggle the keys trying to unlock the door. Dogs barking, bags getting more heavy. Toss the mail on the counter. Place the bags down, let the dogs out and take a clance at the mail. There lay a letter address to Judith Heredia. What? It is from her long time and favorite Doctor, Doctor Bartolomeo. What could they want? Open it and it says time to schedule your colonoscopy. Oh really! With coat still on I immediately call the office.

"Doctor's Office"

"Yes, My mother, Judith Heredia, just receied a letter in todays mail however she passed away almost 20 months ago. Dr. Bartolomeo was at her wake!"

"Oh, we are so sorry. It's computer generated. We will take care of it"

"Thank you"

So, I ask where's the compassion? Is the personal touch that you should receive from your doctor, gone? Has the world been taken over by computers? Come on people. Her doctor was at the wake. We received a letter from him expressing his condolences. Don't get me wrong. I know that it was not on purpose but let's not let the world of computers take over the need for human interaction and emotion.

I Love, I Hate...

I love seeing and hearing others speaking of Mom.

I loved seeing the scrapbook that Lisa made for Mia and seeing an entire page dedicated to Mom and Mia.

I love seeing Mom's picture displayed in Michael and Lisa's home.

I love seeing Sandi wearing the heart necklace that was given to her by James, that was Mom's.

I love hearing James speaking of Mom.

I love when Teresa shows Matthew a picture of Nana and he knows who it's of.

I love that I make Mom's crumb cake for work and other's think that it's the best cake they have ever tasted.

I love hearing Irene tell me stories of Mom.

I love seeing pictures of Mom displayed around my home.

I love seeing John cry so hard that he misses Mom.

I love that Bobby and Steven each have pictures around their room of them and Mom.

I love seeing the tattoo that Steven has on his arm in memory of Mom.

I love that the rock in my garden has a quote from Mom's prayer card.

I love looking in the mirror and seeing bits of Mom smiling back.

I love that I live the same house that Mom raised her children in.

I love that other's read this site.

~But~

I miss calling her to tell her something.

I hate that I go to the food store and stare at the meat not knowing what to buy and not having Mom to call and ask.

I hate that she's not hear to talk to.

I hate passing the hospital that she died at ever time I go to Target.

I hate feeling sometimes that there most have been something that I could have done to save her.

I hate that next month will be 20 months that she is gone.

I hate that she doesn't get to see her grandchildren grow up.

I hate the my life goes on with out her.

I hate that some days I laugh too much when the pain is still so real.

I hate that her 2 year anniversary is approaching.

~But~

I love that I have people in my life you are here to help and support me. Without them I could not survive.

Not a day...

Goes by that I don't think of you...

Do you remember...

...when Mom would laugh so hard that she would get these really loud hiccups. I think Irene would remember. Do you? It was so funny we would all be laughing. I haven't heard that kind of laughter in a long, long time.

~Christine

I had a dream...(nothing to do with MLK day)

I had a dream last night. It took place either at a Mall and or on Cruise Ship. I know that sounds funny. I was walking down the stairs of this Mall/Cruise Ship and met up with my Mom, and both Grandma's. They were sitting at a table as if to eat lunch or something. There were stores all round but if you know my Mom she hates the Mall so I'm not really sure where I was. It seemed real in the dream and like it was nothing to be meeting up with them. That's really all I remember. I wish that in my dream I realized what was happening so that I could ask questions. Find out how she/they are doing. They are obviously together, happy and shopping!

American Idol...

Starts tonight. Mom and I watched it religiously. Wish you were here to watch it with...

Yesterday, a ball of emotions...

Yesterday was a mixture of emotions for me. It was Mom's birthday, second one in heaven. It was also19 months since her passing and it was the day that my twin nephews were to be born. Talk about an emotional day.

I had a tough Friday night and Saturday morning. We woke up and got ready to leave for the cemetery. As we were getting ready to leave we learned that my sister-in-law Nancy was on her way to the hospital. Her water had broken and the babies were to be born today. I suddenly found myself flooded with emotion. Please don't get me wrong. I am so very happy for Jason and Nancy but it's my Mom's birthday and I didn't want to have to share that day with anyone. Then I was reminded what a wonderful thing to happen today. Jason loved my Mom and what a better day than Mom's birthday to share with his son's. I didn't think that I would be able to go to the hospital. Be surrounded by everyone and feel the same that they did. But I would surely find myself wrong.

John and I went to the cemetery, balloons and flowers in hand. We took her Christmas decorations down and brought them home with us. We placed her red roses down, and her balloons, which blew in the wind aiming up towards heaven. A light snow as falling as John sang Happy Birthday and after our good byes we headed for the hospital.

As we were leaving the cemetery a calming feeling came over me. I would be able now to go to the hospital. I was excited. Mom would be excited and I am sure that she was. She had this planned all along. God had this planned. Where there is sadness there is also joy. You just need to look around you. I am surrounded by people who love me and who feel the same way.

We got to the hospital and meet up with other family members. How was I going to do this? I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. The claiming feeling was still with me and I new I could do it. The babies had already been born, 6 lbs 4 oz & 6 lbs & 2 oz. They were healthy and Nancy was doing well but still in recovery. We didn't learn what they were until a little while later. Once Nancy was awake and could grasp the knowledge we would learn what sex they were.

An hour or so later we learned that the babies were in fact boys. They were to be named Jason & Matthew. We briefly visited with them. So cute and little. This is what life is about. Life. Having Jason and Matthew born on Mom's birthday was God's plan. Joy on a day of sadness. Laughter and smiles on a day that brought tears. Yes, there will always be sadness on Mom's birthday but there will also be joy and laughter. Tears and excitement as we watch these two little babies grow. This is how life is. When life gives you lemons make lemonade!

We left the hospital and headed home to celebrate Mom's birthday together with the family members who could be there. We had dinner and desert. Dinner consisted of Chinese take-out and ice cream for desert. My sister-in-law, Sandi had called several times during the day to check on me but I never actually spoke with her till the evening. Sandi had called again after dinner to check on me one last time and we spoke. She totally understood how I was feeling. She was thinking about me all day and wanted to check on me one last time. Thanks Sandi for checking up on me and for keeping me in your thoughts all day. We are all dealing with the same pain and sometimes just a simple phone call is all that's needed. I'm not really sure how my brother Bob is dealing with it all. He is removed from the physical surroundings. They live in Pennsylvania and I think that makes it easier. I am sure he feels his own pain and sadness. Me, I'm just more emotional. Maybe because I'm a girl. Maybe because I lived with her. Who knows. We all deal differently with mom's passing. We all grieve differently and I have learned that.

Friday night Steven had a piece added to his tattoo that is a memorial for Mom. I will post a picture of it once it heals but I will leave you with what it says:

Our Family Chain is broken,

And nothing seems the same: But as God calls us one by one,

The Chain will link again.

~Christine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John's facebook entry for yesterday and some beautiful comments left by friends...Thank you!

John is wishing his mother-in-law a happy birthday in heaven! 10:21am - 3 Comments

Steve...happy bday mom, we love and miss you

Teresa missing mom... Happy birthday mom! we love and miss u! 10:51am -

Catherine M. Safos at 11:20am January 10 via Facebook Mobile
Happy birthday... Bless her soul.

Jerry Beach at 2:09pm January 10
Happy birthday Judy. She was a great woman.

Danielle Giangrande at 3:46pm January 10 via Facebook Mobile
Happy Birthday! R.I.P.

Happy Birthday & 19 Months in Heaven...

Happy Birthday Mother

It's sure to be the best one yet,Though you left me here behind.

Did you think that I'd forget?

Your cake this year, will surely be, A beauty to behold.

With the icing made of Silver, And the candles made of Gold.

Yes your birthday in Heaven,Will be such a grand affair.

And I know you'll look so lovely,With a halo in your hair.

The Angels will come from everywhere,To sing your birthday song.

And I know they'll be so happy,

That you've joined, God's Happy Throng.

No I can't send a card this year, Or give a gift so fine.

So I'll just send a special prayer, To that wonderful mother of mine.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Mom!

Out of no where...

I woke up last night missing Mom. I think it was about 1:45 a.m. I got up to let the dogs out came back to bed and started crying. Out of no where the flood gates had opened. I'm having a tough time this week.

Back to "Normal"

The tree is down. The lights all put away. Cookies and cake are the only remnants of this Christmas that are left. We are officially back to the norm. But with that brings sadness. There's no more excitement about the upcoming holiday. No more weekends spent at the mall with my husband shopping. No more cookies to bake or decorations to put up. No more family time, at least for a while with everyone. We are back to the normal. Back to work. Back to life.

Mom's birthday is this Saturday and with that brings back the tears. Back the memories of her last birthday that we all celebrated, together. Back the wants of having her back with us. Back the sadness that never goes away but is even more vivid this time of year.

So back to life we go today. Back to the daily running. The daily rushing. Left behind are those lazy days in bed. Lazy days of lingering in your jammies a little longer. Back to wishing that it was Friday.

Back to Normal.