So, it was hard...

Thanksgiving went off with out a hitch. Everyone was there. But that was the hard part. Not everyone was there. Mom was missing and while it obviously bothered me all day, dinner time was the hardest. As everyone gathered around the table it hit me smack in the face. Mom wasn't here with us. Everyone else was, but she wasn't. I left the dining room and headed to, where else, the bathroom and cried my eyes out. From there to my bedroom and that's when I heard everyone looking for me and John. John was in the living room feeling sad too. I joined him and then we got our acts together and joined everyone else for a delicious turkey dinner.

I know Mom was there shining down on us. We pulled off yet another Thanksgiving dinner all by ourselfes. I know that she was proud of us. I just wish she could have been there. That's the part that's so hard...

Happy Thanksgiving...

Well here we go again. Just like last year, as I sit at the table I wonder how you did this by yourself. It takes Michael, Lisa, Bobby, Sandi, Christine and I to do the work to get dinner done that you did by yourself. You made it look easy. As we all gather today to give thanks for everything we have in our lives, it is the one thing missing that I think we all are most Thankful for in our hearts. You. Judy you are the piece in our lives that brought us all together and that bond is still there and as strong as ever in our hearts. To all our friends and family we wish everyone a healthy and Happy Thanksgiving.

With all my Love,

Johnny

As the Holidays approach...

As the holidays are approaching I am becoming sad.

Sad, that another holiday is here without Mom.

Sad, that we can't celebrate with her.

Sad, that we can't see her happy face.

Worried that others will forget to remember her.

On the other hand, I realize that it is alright to feel happiness and joy during the holidays. It's not being disrespectful to Mom, it is a reflection of how Mom would want us to be. And I know that. It's just hard.

But, I will also allow myself to feel grief, sadness, anger, loneliness /emptiness. The holidays do not remove the reasons for feeling these emotions. It's something that I need to do.

I will make sure that we find ways to remember Mom this holiday season.

She loved this time of year and I think that she would be happy knowing that we have continued the same family traditions and valued the same values that she instilled in us.

I and hope that she will look down on us with a smile on her face.

~Christine

First Snow...

They say that when the first snowfall of the season falls you should make a wish.

But the wish, I would wish, is not a wish to be granted.

So my wish is for You.

May health and happiness be with you and yours.

May you never forget the flavor of snowflakes.

May the child come out inside you as you remember.

And always remember that when it's cold outside our memories keep us warm.

~Christine

Sad...

Today John and I met for lunch at the mall. Yup, you guessed it...big mistake. It's Veterans Day. Everyone is off from work, home with their kids. Well, no, that's not true. They are at the Mall!

We sat and watched others as they were there with their children. Enjoying lunch. How the children's grandmothers were there. How everyone looked so happy.

Tears ran down my face.

John had no idea what was wrong. It is true that I can cry on command these days but not this time. I thought about these women with their children and their Moms. How I would never be able to enjoy a day off with my Mom and someday my child at the mall. True, Mom didn't love or for that fact even really like the mall. But she would go if asked.

I realized that that is just something that I will never get to experience and it made me sad.
~~
Happy Veterans Day and Happy Birthday to Lisa.

17 Months & I'm sorry...

17 Months of missing you Mom...

Sorry Mom, that I haven’t visited.
I was heading to see you but it was raining and dark and the cemetery was closed.
Sorry Mom, that I haven’t visited.

I need you now more than ever. My life is being turned upside down and I need you. Who’s homeless, I’ve taken in. Who has no direction, I’ve tried to show the way. Who’s lost what, we’ve tried to get back. Who can’t afford this, we’ve given.

Sorry Mom, that I haven’t visited.
I will this weekend, you can be sure of that.

I know that we will get through this but I wish you were here to help me, guide me. Help me be strong.

Sorry Mom, I will be there soon.

Missing you always!

Christine

Tattered and Torn...

I have worn Mom's nightshirt almost every night since she's been gone. It is white with little pink clusters of flowers and a little pink bow in the middle of the scoop of the neck. It was been washed every day only for me to put it back on that night. Well over the last 16 months I guess all the washing has taken it's toll on the poor little night shirt. It has worn thin and holes started to appear. And now the holes have holes and the rips have rips. I don't want to part with it. Today I caught one of the holes on the corner of the bathroom drawer and it ripped more. What to do...wash one final wash and put it away in storage or keep wearing it?

I think I will have to be on the hunt for new pj's but in the mean time I will keep washing and wearing all tattered and torn...