Where's the Compassion...

I got home from work yesterday, bags in hand filled with the nights creation for dinner. Open the mail box, juggle the keys trying to unlock the door. Dogs barking, bags getting more heavy. Toss the mail on the counter. Place the bags down, let the dogs out and take a clance at the mail. There lay a letter address to Judith Heredia. What? It is from her long time and favorite Doctor, Doctor Bartolomeo. What could they want? Open it and it says time to schedule your colonoscopy. Oh really! With coat still on I immediately call the office.

"Doctor's Office"

"Yes, My mother, Judith Heredia, just receied a letter in todays mail however she passed away almost 20 months ago. Dr. Bartolomeo was at her wake!"

"Oh, we are so sorry. It's computer generated. We will take care of it"

"Thank you"

So, I ask where's the compassion? Is the personal touch that you should receive from your doctor, gone? Has the world been taken over by computers? Come on people. Her doctor was at the wake. We received a letter from him expressing his condolences. Don't get me wrong. I know that it was not on purpose but let's not let the world of computers take over the need for human interaction and emotion.

I Love, I Hate...

I love seeing and hearing others speaking of Mom.

I loved seeing the scrapbook that Lisa made for Mia and seeing an entire page dedicated to Mom and Mia.

I love seeing Mom's picture displayed in Michael and Lisa's home.

I love seeing Sandi wearing the heart necklace that was given to her by James, that was Mom's.

I love hearing James speaking of Mom.

I love when Teresa shows Matthew a picture of Nana and he knows who it's of.

I love that I make Mom's crumb cake for work and other's think that it's the best cake they have ever tasted.

I love hearing Irene tell me stories of Mom.

I love seeing pictures of Mom displayed around my home.

I love seeing John cry so hard that he misses Mom.

I love that Bobby and Steven each have pictures around their room of them and Mom.

I love seeing the tattoo that Steven has on his arm in memory of Mom.

I love that the rock in my garden has a quote from Mom's prayer card.

I love looking in the mirror and seeing bits of Mom smiling back.

I love that I live the same house that Mom raised her children in.

I love that other's read this site.

~But~

I miss calling her to tell her something.

I hate that I go to the food store and stare at the meat not knowing what to buy and not having Mom to call and ask.

I hate that she's not hear to talk to.

I hate passing the hospital that she died at ever time I go to Target.

I hate feeling sometimes that there most have been something that I could have done to save her.

I hate that next month will be 20 months that she is gone.

I hate that she doesn't get to see her grandchildren grow up.

I hate the my life goes on with out her.

I hate that some days I laugh too much when the pain is still so real.

I hate that her 2 year anniversary is approaching.

~But~

I love that I have people in my life you are here to help and support me. Without them I could not survive.

Not a day...

Goes by that I don't think of you...

Do you remember...

...when Mom would laugh so hard that she would get these really loud hiccups. I think Irene would remember. Do you? It was so funny we would all be laughing. I haven't heard that kind of laughter in a long, long time.

~Christine

I had a dream...(nothing to do with MLK day)

I had a dream last night. It took place either at a Mall and or on Cruise Ship. I know that sounds funny. I was walking down the stairs of this Mall/Cruise Ship and met up with my Mom, and both Grandma's. They were sitting at a table as if to eat lunch or something. There were stores all round but if you know my Mom she hates the Mall so I'm not really sure where I was. It seemed real in the dream and like it was nothing to be meeting up with them. That's really all I remember. I wish that in my dream I realized what was happening so that I could ask questions. Find out how she/they are doing. They are obviously together, happy and shopping!

American Idol...

Starts tonight. Mom and I watched it religiously. Wish you were here to watch it with...

Yesterday, a ball of emotions...

Yesterday was a mixture of emotions for me. It was Mom's birthday, second one in heaven. It was also19 months since her passing and it was the day that my twin nephews were to be born. Talk about an emotional day.

I had a tough Friday night and Saturday morning. We woke up and got ready to leave for the cemetery. As we were getting ready to leave we learned that my sister-in-law Nancy was on her way to the hospital. Her water had broken and the babies were to be born today. I suddenly found myself flooded with emotion. Please don't get me wrong. I am so very happy for Jason and Nancy but it's my Mom's birthday and I didn't want to have to share that day with anyone. Then I was reminded what a wonderful thing to happen today. Jason loved my Mom and what a better day than Mom's birthday to share with his son's. I didn't think that I would be able to go to the hospital. Be surrounded by everyone and feel the same that they did. But I would surely find myself wrong.

John and I went to the cemetery, balloons and flowers in hand. We took her Christmas decorations down and brought them home with us. We placed her red roses down, and her balloons, which blew in the wind aiming up towards heaven. A light snow as falling as John sang Happy Birthday and after our good byes we headed for the hospital.

As we were leaving the cemetery a calming feeling came over me. I would be able now to go to the hospital. I was excited. Mom would be excited and I am sure that she was. She had this planned all along. God had this planned. Where there is sadness there is also joy. You just need to look around you. I am surrounded by people who love me and who feel the same way.

We got to the hospital and meet up with other family members. How was I going to do this? I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. The claiming feeling was still with me and I new I could do it. The babies had already been born, 6 lbs 4 oz & 6 lbs & 2 oz. They were healthy and Nancy was doing well but still in recovery. We didn't learn what they were until a little while later. Once Nancy was awake and could grasp the knowledge we would learn what sex they were.

An hour or so later we learned that the babies were in fact boys. They were to be named Jason & Matthew. We briefly visited with them. So cute and little. This is what life is about. Life. Having Jason and Matthew born on Mom's birthday was God's plan. Joy on a day of sadness. Laughter and smiles on a day that brought tears. Yes, there will always be sadness on Mom's birthday but there will also be joy and laughter. Tears and excitement as we watch these two little babies grow. This is how life is. When life gives you lemons make lemonade!

We left the hospital and headed home to celebrate Mom's birthday together with the family members who could be there. We had dinner and desert. Dinner consisted of Chinese take-out and ice cream for desert. My sister-in-law, Sandi had called several times during the day to check on me but I never actually spoke with her till the evening. Sandi had called again after dinner to check on me one last time and we spoke. She totally understood how I was feeling. She was thinking about me all day and wanted to check on me one last time. Thanks Sandi for checking up on me and for keeping me in your thoughts all day. We are all dealing with the same pain and sometimes just a simple phone call is all that's needed. I'm not really sure how my brother Bob is dealing with it all. He is removed from the physical surroundings. They live in Pennsylvania and I think that makes it easier. I am sure he feels his own pain and sadness. Me, I'm just more emotional. Maybe because I'm a girl. Maybe because I lived with her. Who knows. We all deal differently with mom's passing. We all grieve differently and I have learned that.

Friday night Steven had a piece added to his tattoo that is a memorial for Mom. I will post a picture of it once it heals but I will leave you with what it says:

Our Family Chain is broken,

And nothing seems the same: But as God calls us one by one,

The Chain will link again.

~Christine

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John's facebook entry for yesterday and some beautiful comments left by friends...Thank you!

John is wishing his mother-in-law a happy birthday in heaven! 10:21am - 3 Comments

Steve...happy bday mom, we love and miss you

Teresa missing mom... Happy birthday mom! we love and miss u! 10:51am -

Catherine M. Safos at 11:20am January 10 via Facebook Mobile
Happy birthday... Bless her soul.

Jerry Beach at 2:09pm January 10
Happy birthday Judy. She was a great woman.

Danielle Giangrande at 3:46pm January 10 via Facebook Mobile
Happy Birthday! R.I.P.

Happy Birthday & 19 Months in Heaven...

Happy Birthday Mother

It's sure to be the best one yet,Though you left me here behind.

Did you think that I'd forget?

Your cake this year, will surely be, A beauty to behold.

With the icing made of Silver, And the candles made of Gold.

Yes your birthday in Heaven,Will be such a grand affair.

And I know you'll look so lovely,With a halo in your hair.

The Angels will come from everywhere,To sing your birthday song.

And I know they'll be so happy,

That you've joined, God's Happy Throng.

No I can't send a card this year, Or give a gift so fine.

So I'll just send a special prayer, To that wonderful mother of mine.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Mom!

Out of no where...

I woke up last night missing Mom. I think it was about 1:45 a.m. I got up to let the dogs out came back to bed and started crying. Out of no where the flood gates had opened. I'm having a tough time this week.

Back to "Normal"

The tree is down. The lights all put away. Cookies and cake are the only remnants of this Christmas that are left. We are officially back to the norm. But with that brings sadness. There's no more excitement about the upcoming holiday. No more weekends spent at the mall with my husband shopping. No more cookies to bake or decorations to put up. No more family time, at least for a while with everyone. We are back to the normal. Back to work. Back to life.

Mom's birthday is this Saturday and with that brings back the tears. Back the memories of her last birthday that we all celebrated, together. Back the wants of having her back with us. Back the sadness that never goes away but is even more vivid this time of year.

So back to life we go today. Back to the daily running. The daily rushing. Left behind are those lazy days in bed. Lazy days of lingering in your jammies a little longer. Back to wishing that it was Friday.

Back to Normal.