Some days...

Some days I miss my old life...with my Mother in it.

~Christine

The #10

So we are back from AC and we had a great time. Mom was forever on my mind. We played her numbers 1 (the month of her birth), 6 (the month of her death), and 10 (day of both). We hit 10 on the first go around. We were shocked but not surprised. It was a way of Mom telling us that she was with us. We enjoyed our little get away. I thought of Mom often. We went to a breakfast buffet on Friday morning. They had everything. Mom LOVED breakfast. It was her favorite meal. Well as I was looking around the buffet I said to myself Mom would be in heaven if she saw all this...then I remembered...she is :(

~Christine

Irene, this one's for you...

Hi Irene,

We didn't get to speak yesterday. John and I are going to Atlantic City today and Friday. We will be meeting up with Sandi and Bob tomorrow. We will be back on Saturday. Talk to you then. Call us on John's cell if you like.

Take Care...Love, Christine

Feeling sad...

The pieces of my heart are missing you...

Some guilt...

This as been on my mind for a while and it finally came out Saturday night on the way home from visiting with Bob, Sandi & Gavin. I have always felt a little sense of guilt about the day that Mom passed. Let me start from the beginning. The day before (Saturday) we had our father's day picnic, yes, it was a week early. Bob, Sandi and Gavin came in for it. Michael had a bachelor party to attend in Atlantic City so Lisa & Mia spend the day and night with us. That next morning started out a little hectic. Teresa had an argument with her boyfriend and called the house early so that she could come over. Lisa and Mia were already at the house and Bob & Sandi were at her parents house and had not yet left to go back to Pennsylvania. Since John & I were up already because of the early phone call from Teresa we called Bob & Sandi and told them to stop over before they left for home and they did. So we were all there, hanging out. It was early and I didn't really know if Mom was up or not. I believe that Sandi asked if she was up and I probably told her that she was sleeping. This is were the guilt comes in. WHY, WHY, WHY did I not just go upstairs and see. Even if she was sleeping we could have woken her up and they would have gotten to see her one last time. I feel so bad about this, really I do. I know that there is nothing I can do to change it but to think about it makes me cry.

We visited with Bob, Sandi & Gavin this weekend and had a great time. Gavin is an amazing little boy and I am so proud of him. We had a great visit. While the boys were playing Sandi and I had some down time and we just sat and talked and of course I cried. On the way home the guilt set in and I was hysterical. I guilt was so fierce. I was driving and crying. I made John call them to tell them that I was so very sorry that I didn't let them see Mom. They were sweet and caring and told me that I was crazy and that they didn't hold anything against me.

I want to thank them for understanding and for letting me get this off of my chest.

Happy Birthday Bob, to both of my Bob's. Hope you guys enjoy your day.

To Sandi & Bob, thanks again for a great visit!

~Christine

Gavin, You make Nana so proud...

Yesterday Gavin had his first visit with the Dentist. He did, you guessed it, AMAZING! He let the Dentist check all of his teeth. Do a fluoride treatment and then a cleaning. Not a tear was in site and the report from the Dentist ... perfect teeth. No cavities!! Just what Nana would love to hear.

Gavin, you are such a big boy. You are amazing, smart, funny. Your Nana is smiling down on you. She is so very proud of you. I only wish that she was here to tell you herself. Always remember that she is watching you, guiding you and loving you from above. She is your special angle and will let nothing harm you.

Gavin also gave up the last of his baby items last night ... the Bink! He only got the binkie when he went into the crib. He had them in every corner of the crib. He knew that he could only have it in there. Well last night he gathered them all up put them in an envelope and sent them to the Binkie fairy. What an accomplishment for such a little boy.

Gavin, know that we are all so proud of you. Your Nana no doubt is smiling from ear to ear. As you get older your parents will share stories of her. Keep Nana in your heart, your soul and know that even though she isn't here in person she is all around you. She's the sunlight in your hair, the wind beneath your wings. She will never be forgotten as long as we remember...

~Love, Aunt Tine

13 Months...

With today marking 13 months since Mom's passing I sit here in total disbelief. Where has the time gone? 13 months, how can it be? I'll admit some days are harder than others.

I made a sauce last night and as we started to eat Steven turned to me and said "it tastes like Mom's" and you know what it did. I shocked myself.

I miss my Mom every day. Do I still cry, Yes. I feel bad that her grandchild will only know her by her picture. I feel bad that we were all robbed of such a wonderful person. But I feel glad when I look in the mirror every day and see my mothers face smiling back at me.

~Christine

The 9th...

Do you know what the 9th of every month reminds me of...that tomorrow is the 10th and yet another month has passed us by since the day that has changed my life...forever.

~Christine

Would like to say Hi, one more time...

This past weekend John and I went to the cemetery and brought Mom some sunflowers. This being a national cemetery you would think that all of the grounds would be in tip top shape...not the case. Mom's section is a mixture of weeds, grass, dirt and rocks. What's up with that? I understand the area is still under renovation but come on it's almost 13 months. So I called, well since they are still working in that area and until the section is complete/filled it will continue to look as it does. But once there are no more burials they will get the irrigation system hooked up and make it look as beautiful as the rest!

As we were leaving and I know this is morbid I told John that I just wanted to see her again. I wanted to dig her up, say Hi, one last time. See I told you it was morbid. But that's how I feel. Look I know this can't happen but I would like to see her again...in this life. I have all of these crazy thoughts, like is she cold, hot, is she scared being there in the dark. I know that she isn't really there, that just her body remains but I can't help but think it, feel it.

Mom's in a better place, no doubt cooking up a storm and throwing the grandest of parties. Busy watching over others and hanging out with my grandparents. She did pay John a visit Saturday night in his dreams. He said it felt so real. She was there, in our house, in two of her favorite places, the bathroom and Kitchen. He spoke with her, saw her clear as day and woke up not quite sure if it was reality or not. Sadly to say we all know that it was not reality.

So what do you make of it? Is she trying to let us know that she is in fact in our lives on a daily basis watching over us ? Did she come to John to let him know this so he can comfort the rest of us?

I asked John to send her to me the next time he dreams these most wonderful dreams because like I said before I just want to say Hi, just one more time.

~Christine

Colonial Manor...

Back in the early 1980's our entire family would vacation at this place called Colonial Manor. The place reminds me of the movie Dirty Dancing. It was the same type of family resort. My grandparents found the place and we went every summer. These pictures I found on the Internet. I hope to find some from our actual stay there. This is the Main house. All meals were eaten there. Meals were at set times and they would actually go around and ring a bell to tell you that it was time to eat. A waitress would walk from building to building with the bell and you could see children following her in hopes of getting a chance to ring it. The porch was lined with rocking chairs and you could always find the elderly sitting there, rocking and waiting to eat. The grounds were beautiful with different buildings/houses for sleeping. It was family run with some outside wait staff. Across the street from the Main house was the in ground swimming pool equipped with a slide and diving board. The memories are so vivid that it feels like yesterday. Our family spent most of the day at the pool. Next to the pool was a building called the "Canteen". There you could get a cold drink, candy or an ice cream cone. At night it turned into the "hang out" They played cards,Bingo, etc. I know that someone in my family has a picture of my grandparents in there playing cards. I can remember the time that I actually won Bingo...I was so excited. Behind the Canteen was a tennis court. We all fooled around on that, trying to pretend we were playing a game of tennis while my Uncle was actually wanting to play. Past the pool there was a barn. The barn contained games like table hockey and others that I can't remember. Behind that there was a nature walk that to me was spooky but that we always explored. In front of the Main house was a beautiful, huge lawn. There were Adirondack chairs so you could sit under the trees. I remember learning how to do needle point with my Grandmother. We would sit under the trees and work on what ever project she was working on. The drive to Colonial Manor seemed forever. It was only a couple of hours but in cut kid time it felt like forever. The road trip there was fun. We packed coolers of sandwiches and drinks and would stop and eat at a rest stop. I can remember one trip in particular. We were in Mom's station wagon and equipped with a CB. It was huge but we were able to commute back and forth between cars. Our name was powder blue because you guessed it, the car was power blue in color. When we were hungry we would call the other cars and tell them that we wanted to stop. It was so much fun. I remember the excitement of turning down the road that Colonial Manor was on and seeing the sign. We all were so happy. The grounds also had shuffleboard. Games and games were played there. Competitions between family members were had ...oh the fun! I know that we have pictures of us playing. I want to look for them. Up the road a ways there were country stores. We went all the time. We would walk there and stop by each store. There was one store that had rock candy and tons of other things. They also had a section of clothes that were worn on Little House On The Prairie. They had Laura Ingalls type bonnets. I wanted one sooo bad...never got one but we did leave with rock candy...yum! We had so much fun up at Colonial Manor. Unfortunately it doesn't exist anymore. It was sold years later and I believe is a Church now. I think the grounds were sectioned off and also sold. Colonial Manor for me was the highlight of my summer. The memories are still so real and I will cherish them forever.
Happy 4th of July...Enjoy and cherish your time with your family.

~Christine

Thoughts of you...

Thoughts of Mom have been flooding my head lately. That day. What I saw. What I remember. What will be forever burned in my memory. On our way home from the Yankee game last night I wanted to call her and tell her that I was on my way home. At the game I wanted to buy her a bag of cotton candy. I guess this will always happened and I will learn how to deal with it. I sure wish that I didn't have to...

~Christine