In Loving Memory of Mom...: 09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008

Monday, September 29, 2008

Is it normal...

To be doing something as normal as making dinner and have thoughts of "that day" pop into my head. Thoughts of my sister-in-law, Lisa, practically collapsed in a wheel chair holding her head or my brother Michael's face when he came out and said "She didn't make it" or seeing the tears and the look of utter devastation on the face of my step-father James as he learned that the love of his life just died. Is this normal???
Is it normal to relive running up the stairs to see James over my Mom trying to get her to breathe. Is it normal to keep seeing Mom trying to take her last breath or her being carried down the stairs wrapped in blankets, is this normal???
I can only assume that when a person lives through and witnesses such a tragedy that it is normal. It's my normal. The new normal....
~Christine

Sunday, September 28, 2008

It's still so hard...

It's Sunday which means I try to clean things that I can't get to during the week...closets, bathroom floor grout, etc. and it's so hard when I find stuff of Mom's. Just today I saw her wedding bouquet and her cookbook with her writing in it. It's hard and it sucks, really sucks.
These last couple of days I have really felt down. It could be cause it's been raining for days now but that's not it. I really miss Mom. I feel so bad that she didn't get to experience having normal hours with James. He used to work nights which meant he had to go to sleep early. Just before she died he got his hours changed to days. They never really got to enjoy this time. I really feel bad for both of them.
I asked John yesterday if we could have her back for just one more day. One day to just have fun together doing whatever she wanted. Of course he said that wasn't possible and then he said and what if you did get that chance, could you really ever let her go, again?

Sorry this post was a downer...just having a hard day. Enjoy your day and remember to give your loved ones an extra kiss and hold them just a little bit longer.

~Christine

Friday, September 26, 2008

Chicken Soup for the Soul...

With this weekends weather so wet and rainy I think it calls for a pot of chicken soup. Mom always made chicken soup growing up, especially if you were sick. I hated it as a kid. Never liked eating it. But if you were sick, you had to.
As I got older, actually just in the last couple of years I started enjoying it. I can remember one day John and I decided to make a pot of chicken soup. Well, we decided to make it our way. Bow tie pasta, cut up cooked chicken and well just a few vegetables. Mom liked it but it wasn't done her way. John and I thought it was great.
So one day I hear Mom on the phone with John's Mom, Palma and do you know what they were talking about....that's right, our chicken soup creation. How we did this, how we didn't do that, yada, yada, yada.
Well tomorrow I plan on putting up a pot of soup. Not sure if I will make it my way or Mom's. I have made it since Mom's passing and I will admit that I have even put parsnips in. I always accompany my soup with tuna fish sandwiches, served Mom's way and the only way on Pepperidge Farm bread...Yum!
Making the soup brings a smile to my face. It makes me think of Mom. It's so weird how I actually like to cook now. I guess it makes me feel close to Mom and that's all that matters.
~Christine

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A thoughtful and beautiful comment from Lisa...

My sister-in-law Lisa shared her thoughts with me and praised me so beautifully in the comment section of my last post that I thought I would share them with you.
Thank you Lisa, your words meant more to me than you will ever know...
~Christine
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I never added a story onto Judy’s blog because I never knew what to type. Well, I thought and thought and just felt like including my feelings regarding my Mother In-Law. Judy is forever in my thoughts and heart. Every morning, every day and every night, I think of her. I look at Mia and think Judy. Mia’s walk, attitude, and happiness remind me of Judy. Judy is missed very much and we (Mike, Mia and I) are always thinking of her. What we would do to see her one more time especially holding Mia.
I miss you, Judy.
Lisa
P.S. I was going through my files at work and found the following paragraph I wrote last year after hanging out with Christine one day when she was sad. I thought Christine should know how much she is loved and appreciated. After reading some stories about Judy, my mother in law, I felt that besides Judy being a very very special person in my life, Mike’s life and Mia’s life, Christine is a very very special in Mia’s life as well as mine and Mike’s lives. Even though, Judy is no longer with us in a physical matter, she is definitely with us some other way. Mike, Mia and I see Christine every week, and for those who only see her in one type of setting, (work, shopping, hanging out), Christine is Judy in so many ways. She has a heart as big as Judy’s, maybe even bigger now that Judy gave her ‘heart’ to Christine. Christine also cooks like Judy (well coming close to Judy.) But most of all, she loves my Mia. Who else would want to babysit little miss independent every weekend? Cuddle with a baby with a stinky diaper; more than that, change the stinky diaper? No one but Aunt Christine! Not sure if it makes sense but it did when I typed it last year.

Taking on a Project, and needing your help...

So, while I was surfing the web, (at work I might add, if you promise not to tell) and reading other peoples blogs I came across someone who had taken her photos and had them put into a book...what a suburb idea. Check out this site http://www.blurb.com/ here you can download photos, add captions and put it all together in a hard covered book...can you say project!!!
So here's my goal - to gather as many pictures of Mom that I can, from childhood to Nana, compile them, add captions, quotes, poems or whatever and have them bound in a book. Here's where you come in. Have any pictures of Mom that you would like to share with me?? Please, please let me know. I would be more than happy to come and get them, scan them and then return them.
I am going to look more into this starting tomorrow and hope to get my pictures out and sorted. So, are you with me on this? Sounds like fun and what a treasure I and my family will have for years to come, a book about our Mom.
Thanks, now get searching for those photos :)
~Christine
P.S. ~ Yes, I know that I still have made the Memory Bear...I'm working on it

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Blubby...

So tonight I want to make a nice hardy dinner. Mom had made an amazing Chicken Macaroni Casserole. Off to her recipe box I went...found it. If you have ever tried to follow one of Mom's recipe you know what I am faced with. Mom never gave you exact measurement's. She was such a good cook that she didn't need to think that way but me, I'm still new to this whole cooking thing. I need to know how much of this and that. See what I'm faced with?

How much Chicken? A dash or what of pepper/salt? See how much milk, one cup or more...what??? The last line is the best. Bake 350 until Bubbly. That was Mom, Bubbly. If you needed one word to describe her I think that this is the word, Bubbly.

Well wish me luck tonight and feel free to make this delicious recipe and if you figure out how much milk, do share :)

~Christine

Friday, September 12, 2008

Shopping should help...


Feeling sad today and wanting to cry out loud so after work I am going to therapy, at Target. I feel the need to shop. Shopping takes my mind of things. While it's not very conducive to my wallet it makes the tears go away. So in 36 minutes I am leaving this desk and stopping at Target on my way home. I'll let you know how it turns out.

~Christine
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See don't you feel better looking at my new wreath also :)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

TV Star...

Could we have a TV star in our family??? Today at Mia's school while Michael was dropping her off the 2yrs had to wait outside. Why, you ask? Because Rachel Ray was filming her show there, today! They were only letting in 3 students, and their parents, in at a time. While Mia was waiting she was picking her version of flowers (weeds). When it was their turn to go in Mia handed her teacher, Ms. Rose (Mom's middle name - coincidence, I don't think so) a "flower" while she was filming with Rachel Ray. Michael had to sign waivers and all that. So maybe, just maybe Miss Mia Mouse will be a TV star. How could they edit out something and someone so cute? Stay tuned for the airing date and Mia's big television premier.

~Christine

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

15 Months...

Dear Mom,

Today marks 15 months that you have been gone, 15 months of missing you. I hope that you are dancing with the angels. I hope that you are free of any pain and loving every minute. I hope that you have been surrounded by other loved ones that have passed. I hope that you are bowling again and kicking some butt at it. I know that you are cooking up a feast and feeding everyone.

Know that not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I wish that you were still here. Here to see Mia on her first day of school with her big girl back pack. Here to see how excited Gavin was to start up again at Creative Parenting and how he is truly the smartest kid in his class. Here to lend Teresa some advice on dealing with 19 month old Matthew while being pregnant. Just here...

And while I know that we can't see you that you are always by our side.

Missing you with all my heart and soul....

~Christine

Friday, September 5, 2008

90 Minutes in Heaven...

90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper





A truck crashed into his car and he died for 90 minutes. When the doctors revived him, He knew he had visited heaven.





Excerpt from the book by Don Piper:"When I died, I didn't flow through a long, dark tunnel. I had no sense of fading away or coming back. I never felt my body being transported into the light. I heard no voices calling to me or anything else. A light enveloped me, with a brilliance beyond earthly comprehension. In my next moment of awareness, I was standing in heaven."



"Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a large crowd of people. They stood in front of a brilliant, ornate gate. I have no idea how far away they were; such things as distance didn't matter. As the crowd rushed toward me, I didn't see Jesus, but I did see people I had known. As they surged toward me, I knew instantly that all of them had died during my lifetime. Their presence seemed absolutely natural."



He goes on to tell who he saw in Heaven, this is what got me - what I need to know. I need to know that my Mom is okay. That she is happy.


"They rushed toward me, and every person was smiling, shouting, and praising God. Although no one said so, intuitively I knew they were my celestial welcoming committee. It was as if they had all gathered just outside heaven's gate, waiting for me. The first person I recognized was Joe Kulbeth, my grandfather. He looked exactly as I remembered him, with his shock of white hair and what I called a big banana nose. He stopped momentarily and stood in front of me. A grin covered his face. I have no idea why my grandfather was the first person I saw. He wasn't one of the great spiritual guides of my life, although he certainly influenced me positively in that way. After being hugged by my grandfather, I don't remember who was second or third. The crowd surrounded me. Some hugged me and a few kissed my cheek, while others pumped my hand. Never had I felt more loved. I wasn't conscious of anything I'd left behind and felt no regrets about leaving family or possessions."


I am going to buy this book this weekend. I am not a reader, I will confess. But I want to know what this man experienced. What he saw, who he saw and how he felt.

I know Mom is up in Heaven and she is happy but I need more. I want more. I want to know what she experienced when she got there. Did she is Grandma and Grandpa? Is Scrappy there?

I know reading this book won't give me these answers but if I believe and I want to, it will give me a sense of piece to know that Mom is alright.



Thursday, September 4, 2008

A Dream, Stamps, Balloons and Memories...

Wow, Wow Wubbzy (as my Niece Mia would say), it's been a while since a post ...Thanks Sandi for reminding me that it's time.

Lots of things have popped into my head to write about, I just haven't had the time. This post may be all over the place so buckle your seat belt...

Dream: Brought to you by John - So I had another dream with Judy in it. We were living in my parents old house, it was me, my mom & dad and James. We lived in the basement, I was outside talking to my Mom, when we were done we went in and there was Judy. I said to her, I had a dream that you came back, she said I know I was there. Then I said so, is this a dream and she said I don’t know. We both started crying and She hugged me and said it’s ok, I’m ok and I love you guys so much. Then I woke up.

Okay its me, I'm back - sitting at my desk at work, (stealing work time), writing this post, crying and using a paper towel to dry my eyes...next topic...

Stamps: Oh gosh, I don't even know when this was but Mom had asked James to buy her some stamps. He did but then they went a missing. Where to, no one knew until this past Saturday. They turned up to be in a box of envelopes. Well geez, that makes sense since you need them both to successfully mail a letter :) What brought a smile to my face was when they showed up. John had just told me about his dream (see above, Dream post) and I of course had tears in my eyes. Then these stamps just showed up out of no where. There was Mom, comforting me by putting a smile on my face and showing me that she's around and that she found those darn stamps!

Balloons: For most of you reading this you know that Mom has been known to steal a balloon or two, mostly from birthday parties. I guess she's just letting us know that she is there.

I was speaking with Sandi last night and she told me that Mom had struck again. Stealing balloons from unsuspecting victims. We are not taking the cheap kind of balloons either. We are talking the $7.00 plus balloons. If I remember correctly Sandi said that the three of them (Her, Bob & Gavin) were at Sesame Place and up went an Elmo balloon. Sandi said, There goes Nana and Gavin being the sweetest little guy said "Where Mama, I can't see her (Nana). Where is she?"

See that's what sucks out loud. Gavin as well as Mia and Matthew should be able to see their Nana when ever they want, but they can't. It's not fair to them, to any of us. They lost out on knowing such an amazing person, their Nana. I know that their parents will tell them stories of her, show them pictures of her, but it's not the same and that's the part that sucks.

Next week will mark 15 months since their Nana has past. I think that I will bring Nana her own balloon as I visit her grave next week.

A friend from work just lost her Dad on Saturday. When I heard the news and called her I just lost it. All of those memories from that day and the days that followed just flooded back to me. They really never left, they were always there ready to be called up. I feel so bad for her. They are a small family. John and I brought them lunch on Sunday and we sat and listened to stories of her dad. He was such a nice man.

The funeral was yesterday and as she walked down the aisle following her dad's casket I was brought back to the day of Mom's funeral. How all the guys walked beside and carried the casket and how us girls covered it with the white cloth. How we all walked behind the casket as it reached the alter. The smell of the burning incense. I could go on and on. The whole day and how I, we, all felt that day and the days that followed are just so painful.

I am off to celebrate my 11th wedding anniversary (9/6/97) this weekend with my wonderful husband. John has always been there for me but especially over these last 15 months when my mood can go from happy to sad in a spilt second. When I can be smiling one minute and in tears the next. He comforts me and I thank him for that.

Mom loved John (most of the times him more than me) and considered him her Son. So Happy Anniversary to Us. I know that it's been a rough year and a half to deal with me and I thank him for every minute of it.

See I told you this post would be all over the place. You may unbuckle your seat belt. You are free to move about the cabin...

~Christine

Nana and her babies...

Nana and her babies...
Gavin, Matthew & Mia with Nana taken Easter Morning 2007