Guess Who...

Guess who paid me a visit tonight at dinner? Yup, Mom. We were watching Oprah, a favorite show of Mom's. Actually I never watch it but something this evening made me stop on that channel. Well how did Mom pay me a visit? Of course, food spilled on my shirt. Not one time but five (5) times. That's right five spots on my shirt. I guess she was happy that I was watching Oprah. It's also a standard line that when food spills on someones shirt at the dinner table we all say "Mom's here". Makes me feel good inside and at this time of year I need all the help that I can get.

~Christine

Merry Christmas...

'Twas two days before Christmas and through the house

the family was scurry all about.

The Struffola's were done, all fried in a bowl.

While memories of Mom clung close to home.

The cookies were baked, the food has been ordered, but there's still something missing, more than you'll ever know.

There’ll be one missing this Christmas, one place at table, bare.

One smiling face we’ll yearn for just knowing you’re not there.

Voices soft, diminished, we’ll sing a Christmas song, hoping next year’s easier, for you haven’t been gone long.

The joy of your great laughter as the children gathered ‘round.

Your spirit will be here in revelry and sound.

We'll miss you this Christmas, oh Mom, yes we will.

We'll miss you so deeply and that I hope you know.

~~~~~~~~~~

Merry Christmas in Heaven!

Love, Christine

Spread the Cheer...

Several people that I work with have lost one or both of their parents. Some, years ago. And I see that know matter how long it's been the holidays are hard. Depressing at times. I think thou I have done my best to try and spread some cheer.

Encouraging others to decorate has made them feel better and in turn has made me feel better.

I think too my Mom would be happy with me trying to spread some holiday cheer. She was such a cheery person. She loved Christmas, and I think she would be proud.

With Christmas only two weeks away I am flooded with emotions and memories. Memories of past Christmas'. How excited Mom was this time of year. Lights and decorations everywhere.

This Christmas, the second one without Mom, seems harder than the last. Last year I felt like we had to prove something. Prove to others and ourselves, that we in fact could "pull it off". Well we did. Was it like Mom did, no way. Was it close, possibly. Did we miss her, definitely. This year though I know we can do it, I just wish that we could do it with Mom.

We decorated Mom's grave last weekend. We put down a beautiful blanket, a small Christmas tree and a Mom sign; of which had been saved from last year. It was sad to have decorations stored in your basement to decorate your Mother's grave with. But nice to know that we will continue the tradition of decorating with her. We also add lights this year. Solar ones. I figured she deserved to have her grave shine, shine, all the way up to heaven so that she could see it.

~Christine

18 Months

Today marks 18 months and I can't believe it. I can't believe that we have decorated the house, put up the tree, hung the stockings and decorated the table we have for and that you aren't here to see it.

I often stop and wonder what we all would be doing it you were here with us. Would you be upstairs with James watching a favorite movie? Would you have Christmas cards strung out across the den floor as you are writing them out?

It's so sad that you were taken. I miss you so much and now realize how much I will miss out on.

Wishing you were here...

So, it was hard...

Thanksgiving went off with out a hitch. Everyone was there. But that was the hard part. Not everyone was there. Mom was missing and while it obviously bothered me all day, dinner time was the hardest. As everyone gathered around the table it hit me smack in the face. Mom wasn't here with us. Everyone else was, but she wasn't. I left the dining room and headed to, where else, the bathroom and cried my eyes out. From there to my bedroom and that's when I heard everyone looking for me and John. John was in the living room feeling sad too. I joined him and then we got our acts together and joined everyone else for a delicious turkey dinner.

I know Mom was there shining down on us. We pulled off yet another Thanksgiving dinner all by ourselfes. I know that she was proud of us. I just wish she could have been there. That's the part that's so hard...

Happy Thanksgiving...

Well here we go again. Just like last year, as I sit at the table I wonder how you did this by yourself. It takes Michael, Lisa, Bobby, Sandi, Christine and I to do the work to get dinner done that you did by yourself. You made it look easy. As we all gather today to give thanks for everything we have in our lives, it is the one thing missing that I think we all are most Thankful for in our hearts. You. Judy you are the piece in our lives that brought us all together and that bond is still there and as strong as ever in our hearts. To all our friends and family we wish everyone a healthy and Happy Thanksgiving.

With all my Love,

Johnny

As the Holidays approach...

As the holidays are approaching I am becoming sad.

Sad, that another holiday is here without Mom.

Sad, that we can't celebrate with her.

Sad, that we can't see her happy face.

Worried that others will forget to remember her.

On the other hand, I realize that it is alright to feel happiness and joy during the holidays. It's not being disrespectful to Mom, it is a reflection of how Mom would want us to be. And I know that. It's just hard.

But, I will also allow myself to feel grief, sadness, anger, loneliness /emptiness. The holidays do not remove the reasons for feeling these emotions. It's something that I need to do.

I will make sure that we find ways to remember Mom this holiday season.

She loved this time of year and I think that she would be happy knowing that we have continued the same family traditions and valued the same values that she instilled in us.

I and hope that she will look down on us with a smile on her face.

~Christine

First Snow...

They say that when the first snowfall of the season falls you should make a wish.

But the wish, I would wish, is not a wish to be granted.

So my wish is for You.

May health and happiness be with you and yours.

May you never forget the flavor of snowflakes.

May the child come out inside you as you remember.

And always remember that when it's cold outside our memories keep us warm.

~Christine

Sad...

Today John and I met for lunch at the mall. Yup, you guessed it...big mistake. It's Veterans Day. Everyone is off from work, home with their kids. Well, no, that's not true. They are at the Mall!

We sat and watched others as they were there with their children. Enjoying lunch. How the children's grandmothers were there. How everyone looked so happy.

Tears ran down my face.

John had no idea what was wrong. It is true that I can cry on command these days but not this time. I thought about these women with their children and their Moms. How I would never be able to enjoy a day off with my Mom and someday my child at the mall. True, Mom didn't love or for that fact even really like the mall. But she would go if asked.

I realized that that is just something that I will never get to experience and it made me sad.
~~
Happy Veterans Day and Happy Birthday to Lisa.

17 Months & I'm sorry...

17 Months of missing you Mom...

Sorry Mom, that I haven’t visited.
I was heading to see you but it was raining and dark and the cemetery was closed.
Sorry Mom, that I haven’t visited.

I need you now more than ever. My life is being turned upside down and I need you. Who’s homeless, I’ve taken in. Who has no direction, I’ve tried to show the way. Who’s lost what, we’ve tried to get back. Who can’t afford this, we’ve given.

Sorry Mom, that I haven’t visited.
I will this weekend, you can be sure of that.

I know that we will get through this but I wish you were here to help me, guide me. Help me be strong.

Sorry Mom, I will be there soon.

Missing you always!

Christine

Tattered and Torn...

I have worn Mom's nightshirt almost every night since she's been gone. It is white with little pink clusters of flowers and a little pink bow in the middle of the scoop of the neck. It was been washed every day only for me to put it back on that night. Well over the last 16 months I guess all the washing has taken it's toll on the poor little night shirt. It has worn thin and holes started to appear. And now the holes have holes and the rips have rips. I don't want to part with it. Today I caught one of the holes on the corner of the bathroom drawer and it ripped more. What to do...wash one final wash and put it away in storage or keep wearing it?

I think I will have to be on the hunt for new pj's but in the mean time I will keep washing and wearing all tattered and torn...

Penguins...

Several weeks ago I was straightening up the basement and came across, what else, several things of Moms. As I was looking thru some boxes I found a small stuffed animal. It was of a Penguin. Till that day I never put two and two together. Mom loved Penguins. She had special Penguin Christmas cards and paper. If you were lucky enough to get one, you know what I am talking about.



Well my nephew Gavin is in LOVE with Penguins. He has a whole family of stuffed animals and little figures. They line his crib. He has names for everyone and knows when one is missing. He sleeps with ALL of them, sometimes them overtaking him, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

When I came across this Penguin I immediately thought of Gavin. So two weeks ago when we went for a visit I brought him the Penguin. Well from what I hear the Penguin goes everywhere with him and he is very protective of him. I am glad that they have a connection. It is like Mom is there with Gavin all the time.


Enjoy your Penguins Gavin, I am sure Nana is so very happy!

What would you do...

What would you do if someone did something so hurtful that you couldn't believe she did?

What would you do if someone took something that they were given and sold it?

What would you do if someone took their Mother's engagement ring and sold it for cash?

What would you do if that Mother had past away and this person was given the ring as a memory to hold onto?

What would you do if the person that did this now makes you sick to your stomach to think about?

What would you do if someone had totally betrayed your trust?

What would you do if someone made you lose total respect for them?

What would you do if this person was your sister????

Emotions...

You never really know what others are thinking if they don't open up and talk. Yesterday while I was cleaning up our basement I came across a picture of Mom and my younger brother Bobby. The picture was already in a frame with the word Mother on it. It was taken years ago but was in perfect condition.

I brought the frame up and put it in his room and here's what I learned about Bobby (from his Girlfriend, Siobhan) that I didn't know...

• He sometimes pulls the car over when driving and starts crying about Mom
• He tells her how much he misses her
• He has a hard time looking at pictures of Mom
• He misses Mom dearly
• He cried when he saw the picture of Mom and him
• He wishes she was still her

And I make the list not to point out his weakness but to realize that everyone has these emotions. It made me feel good to know that I am not alone in this battle. That everyone deals with grief in their own way. That others remember her, not that I doubted that, but wondered.

Mom is missed by so many and it hurts so much.

That little Penny...

That Little Penny In The Parking Lot

Remember this every time you pass that little penny in the parking lot.

I always thought that it was for good luck, but I love this version better.

~~~~~

I found a penny today Laying on the ground.

But it's not just a penny, This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven, that's what my Grandpa told me.

He said Angels toss them down.

He said when an Angel misses you, They toss a penny down;

Sometimes just to cheer you up, To make a smile out of your frown.

So, don't pass by that penny When you're feeling blue.

It may be a penny from heaven That an Angel's tossed to you.

So now pass this on to people you care about

And who you feel are Angels to you. I just did.

An Angel is now watching over you

16 Months...

16 Months today, how can it be?

How can it be that you have gone away?

Why you left, we will never know.

16 Months today, our lives forever changed.

~~~~~~~~~~

Some days it's just doesn't seem real to me. I go to pick up the phone and call her. I think of something and think Mom would want to know this. But this is real. She isn't here with us on earth. She is watching us from above. I feel guilt on days like today. I got up, went to work and went about my day but 16 months ago my world was flipped upside down. I miss her so very much.

I will leave with this quote that Christopher Robin said to Winnie the pooh...

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even if we're apart....I'll always be with you.

Miss you much Mom ~Christine

So...

Do you think me thinking of her means that she is thinking of me?

I saw her face a lot today. But my visions were not what I want to remember.

I see her laying in her coffin. She did look at peace.

I see her bracelet (that she wore everyday) on her wrist. It was good to see that on her because it was like, yeah, this is Mom.

Friday is 16 months and I can't believe it.

Some days I am sadder than others.

I just really wish she was here.

~Christine

Tooth Ache = Heart Ache

So I feel a tooth ache coming on and who do you call when you have a tooth ache...Mom. But Mom's not here and that equals a tooth ache plus a heart ache...

~Christine :(

Is it normal...

To be doing something as normal as making dinner and have thoughts of "that day" pop into my head. Thoughts of my sister-in-law, Lisa, practically collapsed in a wheel chair holding her head or my brother Michael's face when he came out and said "She didn't make it" or seeing the tears and the look of utter devastation on the face of my step-father James as he learned that the love of his life just died. Is this normal???

Is it normal to relive running up the stairs to see James over my Mom trying to get her to breathe. Is it normal to keep seeing Mom trying to take her last breath or her being carried down the stairs wrapped in blankets, is this normal???

I can only assume that when a person lives through and witnesses such a tragedy that it is normal. It's my normal. The new normal....

~Christine

It's still so hard...

It's Sunday which means I try to clean things that I can't get to during the week...closets, bathroom floor grout, etc. and it's so hard when I find stuff of Mom's. Just today I saw her wedding bouquet and her cookbook with her writing in it. It's hard and it sucks, really sucks.

These last couple of days I have really felt down. It could be cause it's been raining for days now but that's not it. I really miss Mom. I feel so bad that she didn't get to experience having normal hours with James. He used to work nights which meant he had to go to sleep early. Just before she died he got his hours changed to days. They never really got to enjoy this time. I really feel bad for both of them.

I asked John yesterday if we could have her back for just one more day. One day to just have fun together doing whatever she wanted. Of course he said that wasn't possible and then he said and what if you did get that chance, could you really ever let her go, again?

Sorry this post was a downer...just having a hard day. Enjoy your day and remember to give your loved ones an extra kiss and hold them just a little bit longer.

~Christine

Chicken Soup for the Soul...

With this weekends weather so wet and rainy I think it calls for a pot of chicken soup. Mom always made chicken soup growing up, especially if you were sick. I hated it as a kid. Never liked eating it. But if you were sick, you had to.

As I got older, actually just in the last couple of years I started enjoying it. I can remember one day John and I decided to make a pot of chicken soup. Well, we decided to make it our way. Bow tie pasta, cut up cooked chicken and well just a few vegetables. Mom liked it but it wasn't done her way. John and I thought it was great.

So one day I hear Mom on the phone with John's Mom, Palma and do you know what they were talking about....that's right, our chicken soup creation. How we did this, how we didn't do that, yada, yada, yada.

Well tomorrow I plan on putting up a pot of soup. Not sure if I will make it my way or Mom's. I have made it since Mom's passing and I will admit that I have even put parsnips in. I always accompany my soup with tuna fish sandwiches, served Mom's way and the only way on Pepperidge Farm bread...Yum!

Making the soup brings a smile to my face. It makes me think of Mom. It's so weird how I actually like to cook now. I guess it makes me feel close to Mom and that's all that matters.

~Christine

A thoughtful and beautiful comment from Lisa...

My sister-in-law Lisa shared her thoughts with me and praised me so beautifully in the comment section of my last post that I thought I would share them with you.

Thank you Lisa, your words meant more to me than you will ever know...

~Christine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never added a story onto Judy’s blog because I never knew what to type. Well, I thought and thought and just felt like including my feelings regarding my Mother In-Law. Judy is forever in my thoughts and heart. Every morning, every day and every night, I think of her. I look at Mia and think Judy. Mia’s walk, attitude, and happiness remind me of Judy. Judy is missed very much and we (Mike, Mia and I) are always thinking of her. What we would do to see her one more time especially holding Mia.

I miss you, Judy.

Lisa

P.S. I was going through my files at work and found the following paragraph I wrote last year after hanging out with Christine one day when she was sad. I thought Christine should know how much she is loved and appreciated. After reading some stories about Judy, my mother in law, I felt that besides Judy being a very very special person in my life, Mike’s life and Mia’s life, Christine is a very very special in Mia’s life as well as mine and Mike’s lives. Even though, Judy is no longer with us in a physical matter, she is definitely with us some other way. Mike, Mia and I see Christine every week, and for those who only see her in one type of setting, (work, shopping, hanging out), Christine is Judy in so many ways. She has a heart as big as Judy’s, maybe even bigger now that Judy gave her ‘heart’ to Christine. Christine also cooks like Judy (well coming close to Judy.) But most of all, she loves my Mia. Who else would want to babysit little miss independent every weekend? Cuddle with a baby with a stinky diaper; more than that, change the stinky diaper? No one but Aunt Christine! Not sure if it makes sense but it did when I typed it last year.

Taking on a Project, and needing your help...

So, while I was surfing the web, (at work I might add, if you promise not to tell) and reading other peoples blogs I came across someone who had taken her photos and had them put into a book...what a suburb idea. Check out this site http://www.blurb.com/ here you can download photos, add captions and put it all together in a hard covered book...can you say project!!!

So here's my goal - to gather as many pictures of Mom that I can, from childhood to Nana, compile them, add captions, quotes, poems or whatever and have them bound in a book. Here's where you come in. Have any pictures of Mom that you would like to share with me?? Please, please let me know. I would be more than happy to come and get them, scan them and then return them.

I am going to look more into this starting tomorrow and hope to get my pictures out and sorted. So, are you with me on this? Sounds like fun and what a treasure I and my family will have for years to come, a book about our Mom.

Thanks, now get searching for those photos :)

~Christine

P.S. ~ Yes, I know that I still have made the Memory Bear...I'm working on it

Blubby...

So tonight I want to make a nice hardy dinner. Mom had made an amazing Chicken Macaroni Casserole. Off to her recipe box I went...found it. If you have ever tried to follow one of Mom's recipe you know what I am faced with. Mom never gave you exact measurement's. She was such a good cook that she didn't need to think that way but me, I'm still new to this whole cooking thing. I need to know how much of this and that. See what I'm faced with?

How much Chicken? A dash or what of pepper/salt? See how much milk, one cup or more...what??? The last line is the best. Bake 350 until Bubbly. That was Mom, Bubbly. If you needed one word to describe her I think that this is the word, Bubbly.

Well wish me luck tonight and feel free to make this delicious recipe and if you figure out how much milk, do share :)

~Christine

Shopping should help...

Feeling sad today and wanting to cry out loud so after work I am going to therapy, at Target. I feel the need to shop. Shopping takes my mind of things. While it's not very conducive to my wallet it makes the tears go away. So in 36 minutes I am leaving this desk and stopping at Target on my way home. I'll let you know how it turns out.

~Christine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See don't you feel better looking at my new wreath also :)

TV Star...

Could we have a TV star in our family??? Today at Mia's school while Michael was dropping her off the 2yrs had to wait outside. Why, you ask? Because Rachel Ray was filming her show there, today! They were only letting in 3 students, and their parents, in at a time. While Mia was waiting she was picking her version of flowers (weeds). When it was their turn to go in Mia handed her teacher, Ms. Rose (Mom's middle name - coincidence, I don't think so) a "flower" while she was filming with Rachel Ray. Michael had to sign waivers and all that. So maybe, just maybe Miss Mia Mouse will be a TV star. How could they edit out something and someone so cute? Stay tuned for the airing date and Mia's big television premier.

~Christine

15 Months...

Dear Mom,

Today marks 15 months that you have been gone, 15 months of missing you. I hope that you are dancing with the angels. I hope that you are free of any pain and loving every minute. I hope that you have been surrounded by other loved ones that have passed. I hope that you are bowling again and kicking some butt at it. I know that you are cooking up a feast and feeding everyone.

Know that not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I wish that you were still here. Here to see Mia on her first day of school with her big girl back pack. Here to see how excited Gavin was to start up again at Creative Parenting and how he is truly the smartest kid in his class. Here to lend Teresa some advice on dealing with 19 month old Matthew while being pregnant. Just here...

And while I know that we can't see you that you are always by our side.

Missing you with all my heart and soul....

~Christine

90 Minutes in Heaven...

90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper

A truck crashed into his car and he died for 90 minutes. When the doctors revived him, He knew he had visited heaven.





Excerpt from the book by Don Piper:"When I died, I didn't flow through a long, dark tunnel. I had no sense of fading away or coming back. I never felt my body being transported into the light. I heard no voices calling to me or anything else. A light enveloped me, with a brilliance beyond earthly comprehension. In my next moment of awareness, I was standing in heaven."



"Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a large crowd of people. They stood in front of a brilliant, ornate gate. I have no idea how far away they were; such things as distance didn't matter. As the crowd rushed toward me, I didn't see Jesus, but I did see people I had known. As they surged toward me, I knew instantly that all of them had died during my lifetime. Their presence seemed absolutely natural."



He goes on to tell who he saw in Heaven, this is what got me - what I need to know. I need to know that my Mom is okay. That she is happy.


"They rushed toward me, and every person was smiling, shouting, and praising God. Although no one said so, intuitively I knew they were my celestial welcoming committee. It was as if they had all gathered just outside heaven's gate, waiting for me. The first person I recognized was Joe Kulbeth, my grandfather. He looked exactly as I remembered him, with his shock of white hair and what I called a big banana nose. He stopped momentarily and stood in front of me. A grin covered his face. I have no idea why my grandfather was the first person I saw. He wasn't one of the great spiritual guides of my life, although he certainly influenced me positively in that way. After being hugged by my grandfather, I don't remember who was second or third. The crowd surrounded me. Some hugged me and a few kissed my cheek, while others pumped my hand. Never had I felt more loved. I wasn't conscious of anything I'd left behind and felt no regrets about leaving family or possessions."


I am going to buy this book this weekend. I am not a reader, I will confess. But I want to know what this man experienced. What he saw, who he saw and how he felt.

I know Mom is up in Heaven and she is happy but I need more. I want more. I want to know what she experienced when she got there. Did she is Grandma and Grandpa? Is Scrappy there?

I know reading this book won't give me these answers but if I believe and I want to, it will give me a sense of piece to know that Mom is alright.

A Dream, Stamps, Balloons and Memories...

Wow, Wow Wubbzy (as my Niece Mia would say), it's been a while since a post ...Thanks Sandi for reminding me that it's time.

Lots of things have popped into my head to write about, I just haven't had the time. This post may be all over the place so buckle your seat belt...

Dream: Brought to you by John - So I had another dream with Judy in it. We were living in my parents old house, it was me, my mom & dad and James. We lived in the basement, I was outside talking to my Mom, when we were done we went in and there was Judy. I said to her, I had a dream that you came back, she said I know I was there. Then I said so, is this a dream and she said I don’t know. We both started crying and She hugged me and said it’s ok, I’m ok and I love you guys so much. Then I woke up.

Okay its me, I'm back - sitting at my desk at work, (stealing work time), writing this post, crying and using a paper towel to dry my eyes...next topic...

Stamps: Oh gosh, I don't even know when this was but Mom had asked James to buy her some stamps. He did but then they went a missing. Where to, no one knew until this past Saturday. They turned up to be in a box of envelopes. Well geez, that makes sense since you need them both to successfully mail a letter :) What brought a smile to my face was when they showed up. John had just told me about his dream (see above, Dream post) and I of course had tears in my eyes. Then these stamps just showed up out of no where. There was Mom, comforting me by putting a smile on my face and showing me that she's around and that she found those darn stamps!

Balloons: For most of you reading this you know that Mom has been known to steal a balloon or two, mostly from birthday parties. I guess she's just letting us know that she is there.

I was speaking with Sandi last night and she told me that Mom had struck again. Stealing balloons from unsuspecting victims. We are not taking the cheap kind of balloons either. We are talking the $7.00 plus balloons. If I remember correctly Sandi said that the three of them (Her, Bob & Gavin) were at Sesame Place and up went an Elmo balloon. Sandi said, There goes Nana and Gavin being the sweetest little guy said "Where Mama, I can't see her (Nana). Where is she?"

See that's what sucks out loud. Gavin as well as Mia and Matthew should be able to see their Nana when ever they want, but they can't. It's not fair to them, to any of us. They lost out on knowing such an amazing person, their Nana. I know that their parents will tell them stories of her, show them pictures of her, but it's not the same and that's the part that sucks.

Next week will mark 15 months since their Nana has past. I think that I will bring Nana her own balloon as I visit her grave next week.

A friend from work just lost her Dad on Saturday. When I heard the news and called her I just lost it. All of those memories from that day and the days that followed just flooded back to me. They really never left, they were always there ready to be called up. I feel so bad for her. They are a small family. John and I brought them lunch on Sunday and we sat and listened to stories of her dad. He was such a nice man.

The funeral was yesterday and as she walked down the aisle following her dad's casket I was brought back to the day of Mom's funeral. How all the guys walked beside and carried the casket and how us girls covered it with the white cloth. How we all walked behind the casket as it reached the alter. The smell of the burning incense. I could go on and on. The whole day and how I, we, all felt that day and the days that followed are just so painful.

I am off to celebrate my 11th wedding anniversary (9/6/97) this weekend with my wonderful husband. John has always been there for me but especially over these last 15 months when my mood can go from happy to sad in a spilt second. When I can be smiling one minute and in tears the next. He comforts me and I thank him for that.

Mom loved John (most of the times him more than me) and considered him her Son. So Happy Anniversary to Us. I know that it's been a rough year and a half to deal with me and I thank him for every minute of it.

See I told you this post would be all over the place. You may unbuckle your seat belt. You are free to move about the cabin...

~Christine

Fun packed weekend...

We had a wonderful fun packed weekend. My Brother, Bob, Sister-in-Law, Sandi and Nephew, Gavin came to NY for a visit. Them along with my Brother, Michael, Sister-in-Law, Lisa and Niece Mia, John and I went to White Post Farms . We also took our other Nephew Joey with us. We had such a good time. The kids (and adults) got to feed/pet the animals. The kids ran, jumped and just had an all a round good time. We came home and had a nice lunch and dinner together. The fun continued into Sunday. John made pasta and sauce for dinner and we all enjoyed a great home cooked meal before they each went their own ways. Mom was present I am sure. She watched down with a huge smile as her grand kids played. The sun was shining and I am sure that she had something to do with it. On Sunday the movie, Lord of the Rings played. One of Mom's all time favorite movies. So she was definitely hanging out with us for the weekend. My only wish, as always, is that she was here, here in person to experience all of these great times with us. Not a day goes by that I don't wish that. Not a day....

But...

I was going to call you today but...

Broken...

We visited with Mom this past Saturday. The sky was so blue with only a few white puffy clouds scattered here and there. A warm breeze blew on our faces as the tears streamed from our eyes.

It was a perfect summer day. We bought a bouquet of flowers and placed them in the ground next to Mom's headstone.

It had obviously rained the night before and you could see that the dirt was drying in the warm sun. A very few strands of grass surrounded the head stone. The section still to new to complete. Crab grass was sprouting up in clusters. Hawks flying above in a circle making their kee-aah sound.

There was an elderly man tending to his wife's headstone. We met up with him a section down as we both stopped to get water for the flowers which we would lay at our loved ones plot. The man was clearly by himself and my heart ached for him, for me. Hopefully he had a wonderful full life with his wife. Mine cut too short with my Mother.

The warm breeze blew as I looked up to the sky and asked "Why"? Why was Mom taken so soon? What was God's plan with her?

The answer to these questions I'm sure God with make known to me as time goes no. For now I just can't help but ask, why?

As the days/months since Mom's passing have gotten better I will forever be broken. Broken in the sense that my heart will always be missing a piece. I know that time heals all wounds. I will mend and I am but a scar will always remain...a scar on a girl who just misses her Mom.

~Christine

Wind Beneath My Wings...

What a powerful song. I danced with my Mom at my Wedding to this song and now it helps me while I grieve her loss. Mom was truly our hero. When my parents divorced she was the one who would do without to make sure we had. She sacrificed everything for us. She would work two jobs to try and make ends meet while she still made sure she was at every soccer game. We had it tough at times growing up but through it all Mom was always there. She is and will always be the Wind Beneath My Wings...

"Wind Beneath My Wings"

~~~

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

It must have been cold there in my shadow,

to never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine, that's your way.

You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,while you were the one with all the strength.

A beautiful face without a name for so long.

A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero, and everything I would like to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,but I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.

I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

You're everything I wish I could be.

I could fly higher than an eagle,'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?

You're everything, everything I wish I could be.

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.

You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly away.

You let me fly so high.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky, so high I almost touch the sky.

Thank you, thank you,

Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

14 Months this very day...

Today marks 14 months exactly at 2:51 p.m. It was a "normal" Sunday at this house. A new normal since Mom has past. It was nice to have some of the family together. Michael, Lisa and Ms. Mia came for the day. We snacked on crackers and cheese, watched the Olympics, tried our hand at Mom's corn fritters and tomato salad and enjoyed a BBQ. It's hard to sit back and think that exactly 14 months ago ours lives changed in the blink of an eye. I feel guilty some days for laughing, shopping, going about our lives. I wonder if people think that I have forgotten or say I guess she's all healed. The day 14 months ago brings tears to my eyes if I allow it to. Our house just isn't the same but we are making the best of it. Our den is rarely used but yesterday it was the "hang-out" room. Filled with all of us navigating our way around the toys that Mia had tossed around. Stepping over dogs, pillows and blankets. It was nice to see the room in use... Filled with laughter and family. This is our new norm and I think we are all making the best of it. Mom is here...in our hearts and minds. She's there when I miss my mouth and food/drink spills on my shirt just like her. She's there when I look in the mirror. She in my heart where I can never forget!

Grieving with hope...

Powerful words...Today I watched the Chapman Family's interview on Good Morning America. The Chapmans, just this past May, lost their five year old daughter Maria in a tragic car accident. The car was being driven by her teenage brother. He didn't see her as she ran to the car to great him and was struck by the car. Maria died that evening. She along with two of her sisters were adopted from China after her oldest sister begged her parents to adopt. Steven Curtis Chapman is a renowned Christian Music Singer. One of his songs plays here on this site... With Hope. The Chapman's strength and courage through this is an inspiration. While they question Gods plan they have never lost their faith. They know that one day they will see Maria again. Good bye is not the end...They grieve with hope that they will see her face again. I too have to believe this...

We cry with hope, We say goodbye with hope...Goodbye is not the end. We will see Mom's face again....

We believe with Hope....

~Christine

You can read more about Maria Sue Chapman and the Chapman family here...

www.stevencurtischapman.com

Please...

Please Be Gentle

By Jill B. Englar

~~~~

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.

The sea I swim in is a lonely oneand the shore seems miles away.

Waves of despair numb my soulas I struggle through each day.

My heart is heavy with sorrow.

I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?'

At times, my grief overwhelms meand I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.

Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life.

I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal.

Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence.

Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be.

Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again.

It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.

Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.

Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.

A small flame still burns within my heart,

and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears.

I need your support and understanding.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I must find my own path.

Please, will you walk beside me?

Some days...

Some days I miss my old life...with my Mother in it.

~Christine

The #10

So we are back from AC and we had a great time. Mom was forever on my mind. We played her numbers 1 (the month of her birth), 6 (the month of her death), and 10 (day of both). We hit 10 on the first go around. We were shocked but not surprised. It was a way of Mom telling us that she was with us. We enjoyed our little get away. I thought of Mom often. We went to a breakfast buffet on Friday morning. They had everything. Mom LOVED breakfast. It was her favorite meal. Well as I was looking around the buffet I said to myself Mom would be in heaven if she saw all this...then I remembered...she is :(

~Christine

Irene, this one's for you...

Hi Irene,

We didn't get to speak yesterday. John and I are going to Atlantic City today and Friday. We will be meeting up with Sandi and Bob tomorrow. We will be back on Saturday. Talk to you then. Call us on John's cell if you like.

Take Care...Love, Christine

Feeling sad...

The pieces of my heart are missing you...

Some guilt...

This as been on my mind for a while and it finally came out Saturday night on the way home from visiting with Bob, Sandi & Gavin. I have always felt a little sense of guilt about the day that Mom passed. Let me start from the beginning. The day before (Saturday) we had our father's day picnic, yes, it was a week early. Bob, Sandi and Gavin came in for it. Michael had a bachelor party to attend in Atlantic City so Lisa & Mia spend the day and night with us. That next morning started out a little hectic. Teresa had an argument with her boyfriend and called the house early so that she could come over. Lisa and Mia were already at the house and Bob & Sandi were at her parents house and had not yet left to go back to Pennsylvania. Since John & I were up already because of the early phone call from Teresa we called Bob & Sandi and told them to stop over before they left for home and they did. So we were all there, hanging out. It was early and I didn't really know if Mom was up or not. I believe that Sandi asked if she was up and I probably told her that she was sleeping. This is were the guilt comes in. WHY, WHY, WHY did I not just go upstairs and see. Even if she was sleeping we could have woken her up and they would have gotten to see her one last time. I feel so bad about this, really I do. I know that there is nothing I can do to change it but to think about it makes me cry.

We visited with Bob, Sandi & Gavin this weekend and had a great time. Gavin is an amazing little boy and I am so proud of him. We had a great visit. While the boys were playing Sandi and I had some down time and we just sat and talked and of course I cried. On the way home the guilt set in and I was hysterical. I guilt was so fierce. I was driving and crying. I made John call them to tell them that I was so very sorry that I didn't let them see Mom. They were sweet and caring and told me that I was crazy and that they didn't hold anything against me.

I want to thank them for understanding and for letting me get this off of my chest.

Happy Birthday Bob, to both of my Bob's. Hope you guys enjoy your day.

To Sandi & Bob, thanks again for a great visit!

~Christine

Gavin, You make Nana so proud...

Yesterday Gavin had his first visit with the Dentist. He did, you guessed it, AMAZING! He let the Dentist check all of his teeth. Do a fluoride treatment and then a cleaning. Not a tear was in site and the report from the Dentist ... perfect teeth. No cavities!! Just what Nana would love to hear.

Gavin, you are such a big boy. You are amazing, smart, funny. Your Nana is smiling down on you. She is so very proud of you. I only wish that she was here to tell you herself. Always remember that she is watching you, guiding you and loving you from above. She is your special angle and will let nothing harm you.

Gavin also gave up the last of his baby items last night ... the Bink! He only got the binkie when he went into the crib. He had them in every corner of the crib. He knew that he could only have it in there. Well last night he gathered them all up put them in an envelope and sent them to the Binkie fairy. What an accomplishment for such a little boy.

Gavin, know that we are all so proud of you. Your Nana no doubt is smiling from ear to ear. As you get older your parents will share stories of her. Keep Nana in your heart, your soul and know that even though she isn't here in person she is all around you. She's the sunlight in your hair, the wind beneath your wings. She will never be forgotten as long as we remember...

~Love, Aunt Tine

13 Months...

With today marking 13 months since Mom's passing I sit here in total disbelief. Where has the time gone? 13 months, how can it be? I'll admit some days are harder than others.

I made a sauce last night and as we started to eat Steven turned to me and said "it tastes like Mom's" and you know what it did. I shocked myself.

I miss my Mom every day. Do I still cry, Yes. I feel bad that her grandchild will only know her by her picture. I feel bad that we were all robbed of such a wonderful person. But I feel glad when I look in the mirror every day and see my mothers face smiling back at me.

~Christine

The 9th...

Do you know what the 9th of every month reminds me of...that tomorrow is the 10th and yet another month has passed us by since the day that has changed my life...forever.

~Christine

Would like to say Hi, one more time...

This past weekend John and I went to the cemetery and brought Mom some sunflowers. This being a national cemetery you would think that all of the grounds would be in tip top shape...not the case. Mom's section is a mixture of weeds, grass, dirt and rocks. What's up with that? I understand the area is still under renovation but come on it's almost 13 months. So I called, well since they are still working in that area and until the section is complete/filled it will continue to look as it does. But once there are no more burials they will get the irrigation system hooked up and make it look as beautiful as the rest!

As we were leaving and I know this is morbid I told John that I just wanted to see her again. I wanted to dig her up, say Hi, one last time. See I told you it was morbid. But that's how I feel. Look I know this can't happen but I would like to see her again...in this life. I have all of these crazy thoughts, like is she cold, hot, is she scared being there in the dark. I know that she isn't really there, that just her body remains but I can't help but think it, feel it.

Mom's in a better place, no doubt cooking up a storm and throwing the grandest of parties. Busy watching over others and hanging out with my grandparents. She did pay John a visit Saturday night in his dreams. He said it felt so real. She was there, in our house, in two of her favorite places, the bathroom and Kitchen. He spoke with her, saw her clear as day and woke up not quite sure if it was reality or not. Sadly to say we all know that it was not reality.

So what do you make of it? Is she trying to let us know that she is in fact in our lives on a daily basis watching over us ? Did she come to John to let him know this so he can comfort the rest of us?

I asked John to send her to me the next time he dreams these most wonderful dreams because like I said before I just want to say Hi, just one more time.

~Christine

Colonial Manor...

Back in the early 1980's our entire family would vacation at this place called Colonial Manor. The place reminds me of the movie Dirty Dancing. It was the same type of family resort. My grandparents found the place and we went every summer. These pictures I found on the Internet. I hope to find some from our actual stay there. This is the Main house. All meals were eaten there. Meals were at set times and they would actually go around and ring a bell to tell you that it was time to eat. A waitress would walk from building to building with the bell and you could see children following her in hopes of getting a chance to ring it. The porch was lined with rocking chairs and you could always find the elderly sitting there, rocking and waiting to eat. The grounds were beautiful with different buildings/houses for sleeping. It was family run with some outside wait staff. Across the street from the Main house was the in ground swimming pool equipped with a slide and diving board. The memories are so vivid that it feels like yesterday. Our family spent most of the day at the pool. Next to the pool was a building called the "Canteen". There you could get a cold drink, candy or an ice cream cone. At night it turned into the "hang out" They played cards,Bingo, etc. I know that someone in my family has a picture of my grandparents in there playing cards. I can remember the time that I actually won Bingo...I was so excited. Behind the Canteen was a tennis court. We all fooled around on that, trying to pretend we were playing a game of tennis while my Uncle was actually wanting to play. Past the pool there was a barn. The barn contained games like table hockey and others that I can't remember. Behind that there was a nature walk that to me was spooky but that we always explored. In front of the Main house was a beautiful, huge lawn. There were Adirondack chairs so you could sit under the trees. I remember learning how to do needle point with my Grandmother. We would sit under the trees and work on what ever project she was working on. The drive to Colonial Manor seemed forever. It was only a couple of hours but in cut kid time it felt like forever. The road trip there was fun. We packed coolers of sandwiches and drinks and would stop and eat at a rest stop. I can remember one trip in particular. We were in Mom's station wagon and equipped with a CB. It was huge but we were able to commute back and forth between cars. Our name was powder blue because you guessed it, the car was power blue in color. When we were hungry we would call the other cars and tell them that we wanted to stop. It was so much fun. I remember the excitement of turning down the road that Colonial Manor was on and seeing the sign. We all were so happy. The grounds also had shuffleboard. Games and games were played there. Competitions between family members were had ...oh the fun! I know that we have pictures of us playing. I want to look for them. Up the road a ways there were country stores. We went all the time. We would walk there and stop by each store. There was one store that had rock candy and tons of other things. They also had a section of clothes that were worn on Little House On The Prairie. They had Laura Ingalls type bonnets. I wanted one sooo bad...never got one but we did leave with rock candy...yum! We had so much fun up at Colonial Manor. Unfortunately it doesn't exist anymore. It was sold years later and I believe is a Church now. I think the grounds were sectioned off and also sold. Colonial Manor for me was the highlight of my summer. The memories are still so real and I will cherish them forever.
Happy 4th of July...Enjoy and cherish your time with your family.

~Christine

Thoughts of you...

Thoughts of Mom have been flooding my head lately. That day. What I saw. What I remember. What will be forever burned in my memory. On our way home from the Yankee game last night I wanted to call her and tell her that I was on my way home. At the game I wanted to buy her a bag of cotton candy. I guess this will always happened and I will learn how to deal with it. I sure wish that I didn't have to...

~Christine

Memory Bears...

Last night I was watching a television show, Denise Richards...It's Complicated. Denise Richards is an actress I am sure most of us have heard/seen/read about. Well her mother recently died of Cancer. Denise has two little girls and to help with their loss she had two Memory Bears made for them. Memory Bears are a keepsake teddy bears made out of cherished clothing of a loved one. What a GREAT idea and now I must have one!

I googled memory bears and here's what I came up with. I hope to order one soon and I will be sure to post pictures once I have the bear.

Check out this site... http://www.treasuredmemorybears.com/

Thoughts of the Day...

My rambling thoughts of the day...

I can cry if I think about it or simply hold it back.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Going about my life and living day to day.

If I laugh too much do other's think I am done grieving.

I thought about calling you today but....

Reminiscing...

This past Saturday was Mia's birthday party. She tumbled, rolled, jumped and belly flopped at her tumbling party. We then headed over to Mike & Lisa's for a day of fun under the sun and a BBQ. The party was a success and Mia loved every minute of it. As the evening wound down and almost all of the guests had left we sat around and told stories of Mom. There were just a few close friends of Mike & Lisa's left, Glenn, Jessica and Terry, John & I, Steven and his friend Shaun and Mike and Lisa. There were some great stories, lots of tears but also laughter. We talked about Mom, her life, what she has taught all of us, the struggles we all went threw growing up and how she always made sure we had what we needed. We talked about the good times and wished we could go back and relive them. We were complimented on how we, the immediate family, has gone on and how we have remained strong. It was a great time and I was glad to be part of it. Mom, we know you were up there listening...Hope you had a laugh or two also :)

~Christine

Happy Birthday Mia Mouse

Dearest Mia Mouse,

Today you turned two and celebrated your birthday with all of us. You share your birthday with your daddy which I am sure means the world to him. Two years ago when we found out the day you were to be born Nana got so excited. She went for a manicure/pedicure and had your name written on her toes. I wish I had taken a picture to show you. Always know that your Nana loves you very much, watching and guiding you from up above. Happy Birthday Michael and Mia!

~Christine

Thankful...

This past Saturday was the Memorial party for Mom and it was a success. There were close 40 people ... Family, friends, co-workers. We all gathered to celebrate Mom's life but if you sat back and thought of why we were having the party it would bring tears to your eyes but if you looked out into the pool and heard the laughter and saw the smiles on her grandchildern's faces you know that we were there to celebrate LIFE, her LIFE!

I am thankful that the family could be together. Thankful that my Brother Bob, Sister-in-Law Sandi and nephew Gavin, who live in Pennsylvania were able to drive in. Thankful that we got to see, Aunt Diana who we haven't seen since Mom's wake. Thankful that we could spend time with two of Mom's co-workers, Robin & Melanie. Thankful that dear friends of the family, The Borman's, were able to be there. Thankful that my husband's entire family came to share the day. Thankful for the sun that was shining hot that day and for the rain that watered the lawn that evening. Thankful for all of the help and support that has been shown to our family over this past year. Thankful for the abundance of food and drink that we had. Thankful for the beautiful basket of flowers from my Brother Michael, Sister-in-Law Lisa and Niece Mia. Thankful for the bouquet of flowers from the Borman's and my dear friend Tracy. Thankful for being able to hear story's about Mom and laugh about the same. Thankful for my dear Husband who ran his butt off shopping for the party. Thankful for everyone that sat and thought of us on that day.

I will leave you with this... "Life Is Not Measured By The Number Of Breaths You Take But By The Moments That Take Your Breath Away."

My breath has been taken away by all of the Love and Support that has been shown to our family and for that I am forever... Thankful.

~Christine

Thank you...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all of the calls and emails yesterday and today regarding the anniversary of Mom's passing. Yesterday was tough but we got through it. We are all hanging in there. We received such kind, caring words, letting us know that everyone is thinking of us. John and I went to the cemetery and placed some flowers down. We also brought with us the stone and placed it down by her headstone. We then brought it home with us and placed it in our garden.

I wanted to share two thoughtful and caring emails with you from my Mom's co-workers and I hope that the senders don't mind. We thank everyone for keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers.

~Christine

~~~
Hi Christine,

Today being the anniversary, we are all thinking about you and your family. We are praying that God helps you thru this difficult day and surrounds you with the peace of knowing that she is in a better place, without pain. And the comfort , knowing that she will always be with you, in your hearts. We all love your family and you will forever be in our hearts and prayers!
Love, Donna
~~~
Hi Christine,

I know this is a very difficult time for you. It took me a good two years to really get over losing my Mom, and yes you never get over it but it does get better. It will be five years now that I lost my Mom on June 13th. Our relationship always reminded me of yours and Judy's. We did everything together. I feel like I lost two Mom's in the same month. If you need anything please let me know.

Love to you and your family, Robin

One year of missing you...

Dear Mom,

It’s been one year since you have been gone though it seems just like yesterday. I have gone over in my mind a hundred times what I would write to you today. I truly can’t believe that this happened. Just the day before we were all gathered at our Father’s Day picnic enjoying time as a family and the next day we were all gathered mourning your loss. I am happy and take comfort that everyone got to see you that day.

I have really had a hard time adjusting to my new “role”. You were always there for me. I miss calling you at work. I miss telling you not to mess up the couch. I miss asking you if you want to go to the diner for Saturday morning breakfast. I miss taking you to Target and you getting into that motorized chair. I miss watching American Idol and the Soaps together. I miss your cooking. I miss that silly face that you make.

I have learned that Life doesn’t stop for anything. The world keeps turning and you need to keep up. The day you died and there after there was still laundry to do, a house to clean. The world didn’t stop even though I wanted it to. I just couldn’t understand that while we were back and forth at your hospital bedside that people in the lobby of the hospital were watching television, their world still the same as mine was crashing down. Time stands still for no one.

I don’t have the answers as to why this happened but they say that everything happens for a reason. I may never know that reason or understand the “why”. I do know that you have instilled in me a sense of value. I am everything that I am because of you. I try to carry on your beliefs mixed with your sense of humor.

You will be happy to know that I can cook. I know you knew that but now I actually enjoy cooking and baking. Every time I take out your recipe box and see your writing you are there with me... cooking right by my side.

There were days in the beginning that I would lay in your bed and cry. I try not to cry in front of others so not to upset any one but my tears, my pain, are still so real. I hope one day soon that the tears will be fewer, the smiles more frequent and the memories more vivid. For now, it still hurts too much. “If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane, I would walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again.”

We didn’t get to say goodbye and no farewell words for spoken. I didn’t get to say that I Love You but only God knows why. My heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know.

I had a stone inscribed with the saying from your prayer card. The stone will be placed in our front garden as a reminder of you. You were the “rock” of this family. The stone reads…”Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same: But has God calls us one by one the chain will link again.

I miss and love you with all of my heart and soul. Till we meet again…

Your daughter, Christine

Would we have...

With the one year anniversary of Mom's passing quickly approaching I was sitting and wondering what we would have done had we known that these were her last few days. Would we have called in sick all week to spend the time together? Would we have ditched all of the chores around the house in order to do something fun? Would we have went to visit some place that she had wished she would get to see? Would we have eaten all of her favorite meals? Would we have watched Lord of the Rings for the hundredth time...together? Would we have prayed to God to please change his mind? Would we have done the things that we hoped to do in the future? Would we have sat and talked about how I would gone on? Would she have played, hugged and kissed her grand kids just one minute longer? Would we have each said we LOVED each other? Would we have...???

~Christine

I went for you...

Okay Mom I went for you...On Saturday we went to see Indiana Jones. The third movie in the series. Mom loved Indiana Jones. Me, it's okay. We went to your favorite theater, Westbury Stadium, the one you went with James to, all the time. They actually should have a wing for the two of you since you saw Lord of the Rings there for like 17 weeks straight :)

There was a line in the movie that has stuck with me and if I remember it correctly it was Indiana Jones talking to a kid, a teenager, who later you find out is his son. His son was saying that he wasn't getting along with his Mom right now and Indy went on to say...You should be nice to her, you only get one, and you don't know for how long. Oh, how true...

~Christine

Empty drawers...

Yesterday Mom’s dresser drawers were cleaned out. All of her clothes put into plastic bags and placed in her closet. I had not known that this was done and when I was in her room something came over me to open her drawers. My heart nearly stopped for a minute as I opened and closed each drawer finding emptiness. Emptiness that filled my heart and started the tears flowing. Anger set in. Does it need to be done…I guess so. It’s been close to a year, yet it still seems like yesterday. Was I ready to have it done…nope. Does it hurt…yup. Could I have left it that way for ever…probably. It just opened the wound again. A wound, that has not and will never fully heal. There will always be a scar, emptiness in my heart. I was hurt, mad, upset but I will go on. Mom will always be in my heart, my soul. Nothing nor anybody can take that away from me. I will make sure that her spirit lives on. Her empty drawers were just the tangible items left behind. Her life, the memories are what I will cling to. I will make sure that my daughter knows who her Nana was and that she would have given anything to met her here on earth. Her drawers may be empty but my heart is filled with the memories…

~Christine

Remembering you this holiday weekend...

~Hope~

This is not at all

How we thought it was suppose to be

We had so many plans for you

We has so many dreams

But now you've gone away

And left us with the memories of your smile

And nothing we can say

And nothing we can do

Can Take away the pain

The pain of losing you

And we will cry with hope

We can say good-bye with hope

'Cause we know our good-bye is not the end

And we will grieve with hope

'Cause we believe with hope

There's a place where we'll see your face again

We'll see your face again

And never have I known

Anything so hard to understand

And never have I questioned more

The wisdom of God's plan

But through the cloud of tears

I see the Father smile and say ' well done.'

And I imagine you

Where you wanted most to be

Seeing all your dreams come true

'Cause now your home

And now your free

(Chorus)

We have this hope as an anchor

'Cause we believe that everything

God promises us is true

(Chorus)

We wait with hope

And we ache with hope

We hold on with hope

We let go with hope

~Steven Curtis Chapman~

Your shoes...

Your sandals still sit in the closet where you last left them. They will always stay there as far as I am concerned. I actually take them out and wear them outside when I am working in the backyard. Just looking at them reminds me of you, your feet, you being there. You loved these big, clunky sandals. Mia also enjoys playing with them. It's cute...she's cute.

~Christine

Just missing you...

Over this past week I have had moments when I just cry. Is it because of your upcoming anniversary...one year? Is it because of the anticipation of that, that day...reliving it all over again...maybe or is it because I simply just miss you...

~Christine

Mother's Day

Though you have left this world doesn't mean we do not honor you just the same. The lives you have touched and changed are innumerable. Though the pain is still there from you being ripped from our lives, the memories of the great times we all shared, the laughter, the smiles and even the tears we all shed together makes it a little less painful. As we reflect on this Mother's Day we not only grieve our loss but celebrate your life. You are in our hearts and in our thoughts always.

~~~~~~~

Mom, we miss you so very much

On this Mother’s Day;

And not just then, but every minute,

Since you went away.

You were the center of our lives

Before your soul passed on;

It’s just so hard for us to believe

That you are really gone.

But we celebrate the life you lived

And all the things you gave us;

Our wonderful memories,

Mom, of you

Are the things that will comfort and save us.

Please think of us, as we think of you

With hearts so full of love;

We’re looking up at you, sweet Mom,

As you look at us from above.

By Joanna Fuchs

Eleven months today...

Today marks that day that you went away.

Eleven months ago this very day.

Why did you leave, did you have to go?

I wish there was a way that you could have stayed.

You are in my thoughts every day,

The memories, the visions, all up till that day.

Today marks the day that you went away.

Eleven months this very day.

~~~

~Christine

There's a little bit of you in that girl...

Ever since Mia was born you could see Mom in her. Their baby pictures look very similar. Mia has Mom's toes, her walk. When I look at Mia I always feel that Mom is living on inside of her. When Mom passed I was given her diamond heart necklace and ever since that day I have worn it every single day. Mia knows that I wear the necklace and looks for it when I am holding her. Yesterday, I was watching her and I had already taken the necklace off for the day. She hadn't seen it yet and I hadn't held her yet. When I picked her up for a hug she ripped open my shirt to look for the necklace. When I realized what she was looking for I took her to my jewelry box and asked her if she wanted to see the heart. She shook her head yes and then I put it around her neck. She just smiled, her beautiful smile.

~Christine

Memorial Party...

Please join us for a Memorial Party

in Honor of Our Mother,

Judith Rose Heredia
June 14, 2008

3:00 p.m.

~Our House~

Please contact me for directions...

Remembering that day...

Today I passed the hospital where we learned that you had gone. The weather was warm that day, but not too warm as it was still early June. The sky was blue with a slight breeze in the air. We all left the house at the same time and arrived at the hospital relatively together. I was dressed in my cleaning clothes as I had been dusting the kitchen blinds while making chocolate chip cookies. When we got to the hospital I ran in to meet up with James who was at the desk giving information on you. I remember asking Teresa to help him out as she was good at relaying information that was needed. I went outside and started to pace back and forth. Michael arrived not long after us and went inside. When he came outside (we were all outside the hospital at that point) he told us that you didn't make it. I just couldn't believe it but he said it was true. He was holding tight onto baby Mia who was dressed only in a onesie as he flew into his car when we told him that we were heading to the hospital. I can only image the 25 minute drive to meet us. Lisa was at a Bridal Shower and had her friend take her to the hospital to meet us. John was on the phone with Sandi while Teresa was just getting ready to hand Matthew over to his Grandmother. Bob and Steven were standing/pacing around like I was. All of us learned about your fate at the same time weather physically there or not. The day plays over in my mind constantly as if it were yesterday. I remember having to say goodbye, leaving you there and wondering if you would be okay. Was that what I was suppose to do? It didn't feel right just leaving you there. Would the nurses take care of you, doing what ever you do to someone that has passed on? The staff was nice but I really didn't pay much attention. It felt like we were on display as we were all in and out of the room where you laid. It was surreal. How could the world be going on when you just died? How could people in the lobby be watching television? Didn't they know you just passed away? It truly was the saddest day of my life and a day that I will never, ever forget. As we drove away from the hospital to head back home I recall saying that this can't be real. I remember not sleeping that night. I paced the house, wrapped in your blanket. I even went outside, for what, I really don't know. I cried and cried that night. The kind of cry that makes it hard to breath through your nose. I could not image going on but on is what we did, what we had to do. I miss you every single day and will for the rest of my life.